A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006.

Recent entries:
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (2/17)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (2/17)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (2/17)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (2/17)
Entry forthcoming—B.P. (2/17)
More new entries...

A  B  C  D  E  F  G  H  I  J  K  L  M  N  O  P  Q  R  S  T  U  V  W  X  Y  Z


I-95 Primary (Northeast presidential primaries)

Iatrogenic Government

Iceberg Building (IAC Building in Chelsea)

Iced Tea

Iced Tea

Icehouse (Ice House)

"Ice Cream" (1995) ("Butter-Pecan Rican" lyric)

Ice Cream Cone

Ice Cream Fruit (cherimoya nickname)

"Ice cream is cheaper than therapy"

"Ice cream is exquisite. What a pity it isn't illegal"

Ice Cream Sandwich

Ice Cream Soda

"Ice hockey players can walk on water"

ICE (Income, Credit and Equity)

"Ice skating is just walking in cursive"

"Icing on the cake"

Icing the Kicker (football strategy)

Idaho: Gem State (nickname)

Idaho: Idaho (state name etymology)

Idaho: Little Ida (nickname)

Idaho: Potato State (nickname)

Idaho Stop

"Ideas are bulletproof" ("You can kill a man, but you cannot kill an idea")

"Ideas pull the trigger, but instinct loads the gun"

IDGAF (I Don't Give Away Food)

Idiocracy (idiot + bureaucracy)

Idiotarod (with shopping carts!)

Idiot Board (a teleprompter)

Idiot-Maker Rally

"I'd be a bum on the street with a tin cup if the markets were always efficient" (Warren Buffett)

"I'd call myself a politician, but then I would just be a liar..."

"I'd demand a recount" (William F. Buckley, Jr., Conservative, if elected mayor in 1965)

"I’d drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk"

"I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom. No one questions you if you spend 45 minutes there"

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this possible and my children for making it necessary"

"I'd make a veggie joke, but no one would carrot all"

"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are" (poem)

I'd rather be a lamppost in New York than mayor anywhere else

"I'd rather be fishing"

"I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven"

"I'd rather be lucky than good"

"I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea"

"I'd rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook"

"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"

"I'd rather have four quarters than a hundred pennies"

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I know I won't get a reaction"

"If 10% is enough for God, it's enough for the IRS"

"If abortion is murder, then are condoms kidnapping?"

"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?"

"If actors are having fun, the audience will have fun, too" (theatre adage)

"If advertisers were smart, they’d make a silent, slow-motion commercial"

"If alcohol is a crutch, Jack Daniel's is a wheelchair"

"If alcohol is liquid courage, is caffeine liquid anxiety?"

"If all economists were laid end to end, they'd never reach a conclusion"

"If all is not lost, where is it?"

"If all the Texas steers were one steer, he would have his front feet in the Gulf of Mexico..."

"If all your troubles are behind you, you must be a school bus driver"

"If all you ever do is all you've ever done, then all you'll get is all you ever got"

"If America had a slogan, it’d be 'Don’t bother me, I’m eating'"

"If an argument lasts more than five minutes, both sides are wrong"

"If an avocado is a fruit, is guacamole a smoothie?"

"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" (joke)

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport"

"If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?"/"Tic Tac toe."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success"

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you"

"If at first you don't succeed, try left field" (baseball joke)

"If at first you don't succeed, try management"

"If at first you don't succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant"

"If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common"

"If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average"

"If at first you donut succeed, fry, fry again"

"If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules"

"If a barbecue place has a drive-through, it probably isn't good"

"If a bug won’t bite it, why should you? Go Organic"

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign"

"If a crab were employed in a pizza parlor, in which station would it work? A crust station."

"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up"

"If a man can't curse his friends, whom can he curse?" (Sam Houston)

"If a man is right, he cannot be too radical; if wrong, he cannot be too conservative"

"If a musical takes off enough clothes in summer, it usually runs through winter"

"If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?"

"If a person has integrity, nothing else matters"

"If a play is working, keep running it" (sports adage)

"If a train station is where a train stops, then what's a workstation?" (joke)

"If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success"

"If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?"

"If by free spirits you mean an open bar, then yes I love free spirits"

"If cars had an 'I'm sorry' horn, there would probably be a lot less road rage"

"If cats could text you back, they wouldn't"

"If cheerleading were any easier, it would be called football"

"If coffee is my favorite drug, then what is coffee's favorite drug?"/"Pot."

"If Columbus had had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock"

"If confusion is the beginning of wisdom, I am totally on the right track"

"If Congress has the right under the Constitution to issue paper money ..."

"If defensive backs could catch, they would be wide receivers" (football adage)

"If dumb were dirt, you would be about an acre"

"If each day is a gift, I'd like to know where to return Mondays"

"If earth is the third planet from the sun, then isn't every country a third world country?"

"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for Texas"

"If even the inspector says 'Pass' on a restaurant, why should I try it?"

"If everybody's thinking alike, somebody isn't thinking"

"If every day is a gift, then today was socks"

"If every offensive series ends with a kick, that's not all bad" (football adage)

"If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs"

"If figure skating was easy, it would be called hockey"

"If fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?"

"If freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to slaughter"

"If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?"/"A poul-tree."

"If gay and lesbian people are given civil rights, then everyone will want them"

"If God didn't want us to eat meat, he wouldn't have invented steak sauce"

"If God dwells inside us, I hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"

"If God had wanted Texans to ski, He would have given them mountains"

"If God isn't a Longhorn, why is the sunset burnt orange?"

"If God wanted us to bend over, He'd have put diamonds on the floor"

"If God wanted us to fly, he would have given us tickets"

"If avocado is a fruit, is guacamole jam?"

"If guns kill people, how does anyone get out of a gun show alive?"

"If gymnastics were easy, it would be called football"

"If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross"

"If Hitler’s still alive, I hope he’s out of town with a musical" (Larry Gelbart)

"If homework is to read something, there is no homework"

"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas"

"If in doubt, do half" (investment adage)

"If it's brown, it's down" (hunting adage)

"If it's flooded, forget it" (driving on flooded streets)

"If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling"

"If it's free, it's for me"

"If it's important to you, you'll find a way: if not, you'll find an excuse"

"If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it" (said of Texas weather)

"If it's low, let it go; if it's high, let if fly" (hitting a knuckleball)

"If it's not Boeing, I'm not going"

"If it's not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, ask 'What did you do?'"

"If it's obvious, it's obviously wrong"

"If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid"

"If it's too loud, you're too old" (music adage)

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it"

"If it ain't burnt, momma didn't cook it"

"If it ain't on the page, it ain't on the stage" (theatre adage)

"If it ain't raining, it ain't training" ("If it ain't raining, we ain't training")

"If it bleeds, it leads"

"If it burns, it earns"

"If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't"

"If it came in a bottle, everyone would have a great body"

"If it can't be found in Dallas, it can't be found anywhere in the world"

"If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you"

"If it doesn't look good, don't put it on your front porch"

"If it doesn't make dollars, it doesn't make sense"

"If it doesn't say 'Texas,' it's not Texas Roadhouse" (restaurant slogan)

"If it flies, floats or fucks, it's cheaper to rent it"

"If it grows, it will stick you; If it crawls, it will bite you"

"If it grows like a weed, it probably is one" (financial proverb)

"If it grows together, it goes together" (food and wine adage)

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it"

"If it is to be, it is up to me"

"If it looks like a beer, and tastes like a beer, it must be a beer"

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a duck"

"If it looks like a taco and smells like a fish..." (Fuzzy's Taco Shop in Fort Worth)

"If it looks like piss, smells like piss and tastes like piss -- then it must be Budweiser"

"If it makes dollars, it makes sense" (boxing adage)

"If it moves, it's biology; If it smells, it's chemistry; If it doesn't work, it's physics"

"If it moves, kick it; if it doesn't move, kick it until it does" (soccer adage)

"If it moves, tax it"

"If it succeeds, it leads"

"If it swims, serve Fino; if it flies, serve Amontillado; if it runs, serve Oloroso"

"If it tastes good, spit it out" (diet advice)

"If it wasn't for Edison, we'd be watching television by candlelight"

"If it weren't for caffeine, I'd have no personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for Spring Forward and Fall Back, I'd never get any exercise at all"

"If it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever"

"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done"

"If it were a real $20 bill, someone would have picked it off the sidewalk already" (economics joke)

"If I ate beans and you ate beans how old would we be?" (riddle)

If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere

"If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I would want them to be alive"

"If I could sell just one..." ("$30,000 pencil" sales joke)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I could walk on water, you'd say that I can't swim" (bad press)

"If I drink alcohol, I'm an alcoholic; if I drink Fanta, am I fantastic?"

"If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria -- powerhouse of the cell"

"If I ever had to run for my life, I would probably die"

"If I ever need a heart transplant, I want a Republican's heart -- it's never been used" (joke)

"If I go missing, put my photo on a wine bottle so my friends will know to look for me"

"If I had an hour to solve a problem, I would spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem"

"If I had a dollar for every time I was told I was unattractive, I would be attractive"

"If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've ever had...does money even matter?"

"If I had a dollar for every gender, I'd have two dollars and a lot of counterfeits"

"If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why"

"If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you"

"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said I was racist..." (joke)

"If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse..."

"If I had a penny for every time I said 'diet starts tomorrow,' I'd afford lipo"

"If I had my life to live over, I'd live over a saloon"

"If I had six hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend the first four of them sharpening my axe"

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake"

"If I only wanted one drink, I'd go for communion" (bar sign)

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas and live in Hell" (Philip Sheridan)

"If I played there, they'd name a candy bar after me" (Reggie!)

"If I put the Constitution in my emails, would the government start reading it?

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I spend 100 minutes with Geico, will I get free car insurance?"

"If I tell you a hen dips snuff, you can look under its wing"

"If I want to see clowns at the Garden, I'll just go to a Knicks game"

"If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn’t be called nachos"

"If Kentucky ever gets a soccer team, they should obviously be Kentucky FC"

"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard"

"If Korean pop is KPop, is Chinese rap Crap?

"If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic"

"If life hands you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys/salsa/tomato sauce"

"If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come a car behind me honks before the green?"

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" (Valentine's Day joke)

"If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy"

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament"

"If Monday had a face, I would punch it"

"If money can't buy happiness, explain pizza"

"If money can fix a problem, then it really isn't a problem"

"If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?"

"If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money really did grow on trees, everyone's favorite season would be fall"

"If money talks, they why do we need bank tellers?"

"If nominated I will not accept, and if elected I will not serve"

"If nothing sticks to Teflon, how does Teflon stick to the pan?"

"If not us, who? If not now, when?"

"If number two pencils are so popular, why are they still number two?"

"If one door closes and another door opens, you’re probably in prison"

"If one teacher can't teach every subject, why do students have to learn them all?"

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door"

"If overthinking situations burned calories, I'd be dead"

"If past history is all there was to the game, the richest people would be librarians"

"If Patrick Henry thought taxation without representation was bad..."

"If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?"

"If people are talking about you behind your back, then just fart"

"If people are trying to bring you down, it only means that you are above them"

"If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit 'end call,' we would have no friends"

"If people don't appreciate what you bring to the table, let them eat alone"

"If pigs could fly, imagine how good their wings would taste"

"If 'Plan A' doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters"

"If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I'd compete in it later"

"If procrastination was an Olympic sport, I would participate in the next one"

"If pro and con are opposites, is Congress the opposite of progress?”

"If pro is the opposite of con, then the opposite of the Constitution is prostitution"

"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"

"If Santa Claus should fail to call, bears may come to Broad & Wall" (Santa Claus Rally)

"If school isn't a place to sleep, then home isn't a place to study"

"If self driving cars become a huge industry, ice cream trucks will be mobile vending machines"

"If sex is great exercise, then why are there still fat sluts?"

"If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian"

"If sleep is so important, then why does school start so early?"

"If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon?"

"If snow is made of water and water has no calories, how come snowmen are fat?"

"If someone says that they are short staffed at work, does that mean only midgets work there?"

"If someone tells you that you drink too much coffee, stop talking to them"

"If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them -- with the flower pot"

"If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away"

"If something cannot go on forever, it will stop" (Stein's Law)

"If something sounds too good to be true, it probably is"

"If steak were a religion, this would be its cathedral" (Smith & Wollensky)

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stress burned calories, I'd be a supermodel"

"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?"

"If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales"

"If tea leaves, does coffee have grounds for divorce?"

"If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear"

"If (...) then the terrorists win"

"If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public"

"If there's a bar where everybody knows your name, you're probably an alcoholic"

"If there is a question in a headline, the answer is always no" (journalism adage)

"If these walls could talk"

"If they can make penicillin from moldy bread, you can become something"

"If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking"

"If they liked it once, they'll love it twice" (Broadway adage)

"If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency..."

"If the bar ain't bending, you're just pretending"

"If the customers catch a cold, the manufacturers catch pneumonia"

"If the earth is flat, how is it a global conspiracy?"

"If the good Lord's willin' (and the creeks don't rise)"

"If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher"

"If the military wanted you to have a family, they'd have issued you one"

"If the ocean was whiskey and i was a duck..."

"If the people lead, the leaders will follow"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

"If the safety's on, you're good as gone"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the term 'military grade' impresses you, you've probably never been in the military"

"If the waitress has dirty ankles, the chili will be good"

"If the wheels aren't turning, you're not earning" (trucking adage)

"If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?"

"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee"

"If this nameplate isn't on the back of your car, you probably paid too much" (Potamkin car dealers)

"If time heals all wounds, what happens when you get hit in the head with a clock?"

"If time is money, then an ATM is A Time Machine"

"If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup technically a smoothie?"

"If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make?"/"An airplane."

"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy"

"If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?"

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal"

"If we're not supposed to eat late-night snacks, why is there a light in the refrigerator?"

"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"

"If we are to live together, we have to talk"

"If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy"

"If we can't be equally rich, we can at least be equally poor"

"If we don't have it, you don't need it" (store sign)

"If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under"

"If we lie to Congress, it’s a felony and if Congress lies to us it’s just politics"

"If winning isn't important, why keep score?"

"If women ruled the world, there would be no wars..."

"If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?"

"If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves"

"If worms carried pistols, birds wouldn’t eat ‘em"

"If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?"/"European."

"If you're bored in New York, it's your own fault"

"If you're drinking to forget, please pay in advance"

"If you're drunk at noon, you're either living very well, or very poorly"

"If you're even, he's leavin'" (speed can't be caught)

"If you're explaining, you're losing"

"If you're going to panic, panic early" (Wall Street proverb)

"If you're going to ride my ass, at least pull my hair" (bumper sticker)

"If you're going to shoot the king, don't miss"

"If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you" (theatre adage)

"If you're good enough, you're old enough" (sports adage)

"If you're having trouble understanding fractions, don't worry, our helpline is open 24/7"

"If you're here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue"

"If you’re injured, you don’t play; if you play, you’re not injured"

"If you're in a cold room, stand in the corner. It's 90 degrees"

"If you're looking for morals in politics, you're looking for bananas in the cheese department"

"If you're looking, you're not cooking" ("If you're lookin', you ain't cookin'")

"If you're lucky enough to be Irish, you're lucky enough"

"If you're not angry/confused/mad/outraged, you're not paying attention"

"If you're not at the New Yorker, you're not in New York" (New Yorker hotel)

"If you're not at the table, you're on the menu"

"If you're not a liberal at 20 you have no heart, if not a conservative at 40 you have no brain"

"If you're not catching flak, you're not over the target"

"If you're not cheating, you're not trying" (sports adage)

"If you're not in the room, then you're not at the table"

"If you're not paying for it, you are the product"

"If you’re not satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain on the internet"

"If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes"

"If you're offered a seat on a rocket ship, don't ask what seat. Just get on"

"If you're on death row, request Olive Garden's 'Never Ending Pasta Bowl' as a last meal"

"If you're planning to teach your children the value of a dollar, you'd better hurry up"

"If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, remember nobody loves you on any other day"

"If you're sick above the shoulders, run; below the shoulders, don't run" (running adage)

"If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?"

"If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room"

"If you're thirsty, you're already dehydrated"

"If you're white, it's all right"

"If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head. It's capsized"

"If your boss refuses to pay you more money, no problem. Just accuse them of raise-ism"

"If your dog is fat, you're not getting enough exercise"

"If your front door has a mail slot, then you live in a mailbox"

"If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby after eating wings...not enough hot sauce"

"If your mother says she loves you, check it out"

"If your name is on the building, you're rich"

"If your only goal is to become rich, you will never achieve it"

"If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall"

"If youth is wasted on the young, then wealth is wasted on the old"

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person"

"If you've seen one chamber of commerce, you've seen one chamber of commerce"

"If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm"

"If you are going to tell a lie, tell a big one" (the big lie)

"If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country"

"If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance"

"If you are more fortunate than others, it’s better to build a longer table than a taller fence"

"If you are not coffee, chocolate, or bacon, I'm going to need you to go away"

"If you are not willing to learn, no one can help you..."

"If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies are humans"

"If you are what you eat, then zombies should be a lot smarter"

"If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?"

"If you ate today, thank a farmer"

"If you attack the establishment long enough, they make you a member"

"If you believe in 12.5% of the Bible you're an eighth theist"

"If you bought it, a truck brought it"

"If you break both of your legs, don't come running to me"

"If you break it, you bought it" (Pottery Barn rule)

"If you buy smartwater for $4 a bottle, it's not working"

"If you cannot do great things. do small things in a great way" ("Small things with great love")

"If you can't afford a Dodge, dodge a Ford"

"If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em up" (hockey adage)

"If you can't be an athlete, be an athletic supporter"

"If you can't bill it, kill it" ("If you can't bill it, it's a hobby")

"If you can't convince them, confuse them"

"If you can't dance, don't blame the dance floor"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit"

"If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets"

"If you can't drive to it, don't lend to it"

"If you can't find the key to success, pick the lock"

"If you can’t fix it with duct tape or a martini; it ain’t worth fixing"

"If you can't get to a good pitcher early, you might not get him" (baseball adage)

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him"

"If you can't innovate, litigate"

"If you can't make both ends meet, make one end a vegetable"

"If you can't open their minds, open their heads"

"If you can't pronounce it, don't eat it"

"If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'. I'll turn around and look"

"If you can't say something nice, become a reporter"

"If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"

"If you can't see water, don't order fish"

"If you can't sell what you want, you sell what you can"

"If you can't stand behind our troops, stand in front of them"

"If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen"

"If you can’t stop thinking about it, don’t stop working for it"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't take their money...and vote against them, you don't belong in the legislature"

"If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!"

"If you can breathe, you can do yoga"

"If you can drink a drink, then why can't you food a food?"

"If you can hit, you can play" (baseball adage)

"If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you can dream it, you can become it"

"If you can read the New York Times without moving your lips, you're a communist"

"If you can read this, thank a teacher; If you're reading this in English, thank a soldier"

"If you can read, you can cook"

"If you can sell. you'll never be unemployed"

"If you can shoot, you can play" (basketball adage)

"If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame"

"If you can talk, you can sing" (music adage)

"If you can't win, make the fellow ahead of you break the record"

"If you can walk, you can dance" (dance adage)

"If you can walk, you can snowshoe"

"If you chum, they will come" (fishing adage)

"If you could beat me, I would know you" (chess saying)

"If you cut Alaska in half, Texas is the third largest state"

"If you don't believe in random sampling, go to the doctor for a blood test, have him take it all"

"If you don't fight for what you want, don't cry for what you lose"

"If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't come to yours"

"If you don't have an oil well, get one!" (Eddie Chiles of Western Company)

"If you don't have a competitive advantage, don't compete"

"If you don't have a valentine on Valentine's Day, don't be sad"

"If you don’t hear an offensive lineman’s named called, he is doing a good job" (football adage)

"If you don't hit the reader between the eyes in your first sentence, there's no need to write more"

"If you don't hold it, you don't own it"

"If you don't know coins, know your dealer" (coin collecting adage)

"If you don't know jewelry, know your jeweler"

"If you don't know who you are, the stock market is an expensive place to find out"

"If you don't leap, you'll never know what it's like to fly" (gymnastics saying)

"If you don’t like gay marriage, blame straight people (for having gay babies)"

"If you don't like gay marriage, don't get one"

"If you don't like my Brooklyn attitude, quit talking to me"

"If you don't like our wings, we'll give you the bird" (Pluckers)

"If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own"

"If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!"

"If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes" (weather saying)

"If you don’t like where you are, move! You are not a tree!"

"If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

"If you don’t read a newspaper, you’re uninformed; if you do read one, you’re misinformed"

"If you don't stop lying about me, I'll start telling the truth about you"

"If you don’t swear while driving, then you’re not paying much attention to the road at all"

"If you don't take care of your customers, someone else will"

"If you don't take money, they can't tell you what to do"

"If you don't vote, don't complain"

"If you do pass the McKinley bill, we shall have to come over to your country and thrash you"

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt"

"If you drink like a fish, swim -- don't drive"

"If you eat falafel with hummus, you are dipping fried chick peas into blended chick peas"

"If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed"

"If you eat it, you wear it"

"If you eat some weed, your taste buds taste buds"

"If you eat too many Little Debbie cakes, you'll become a Big Deborah"

"If you educate a woman, you educate a nation"

"If you even dream of beating me, you’d better wake up and apologize"

"If you ever have trouble opening a bottle of champagne, hit it with a ship"

"If you exercise, you might get a trophy. If you don't, you might get atrophy"

"If you fail your kindergarten coloring book exam, you need a shoulder to crayon"

"If you get coffee from a coffee shop and don't put it on Instagram, did it really happen?"

"If you Google something and can't find it, there's a 90% chance it doesn't exist"

"If you go far enough to the political left or right you end up in the same place"

"If you had to choose between eating tacos every day or being skinny..."

"If you hang out in a barbershop long enough, you're going to get a haircut"

"If you hate waking up on Mondays, change your job"

"If you haven't been fired at least once, you haven't worked in radio"

"If you have a message, call Western Union" (theatre adage)

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have ever eaten chocolate money, you have bit coins"

"If you have no business in New York, you have no business being in New York"

"If you have one day left to live, let it be at a swim meet because they go on forever"

"If you have to ask, then you probably can't afford it" (J. P. Morgan?)

"If you have to think about whether a player is a hall of famer -- he isn't"

"If you hear an onion ring, answer it"

"If you hear that everybody is buying a certain stock, ask who is selling"

"If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?"

"If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will believe that it is stupid"

"If you know beans about chili, you know that chili has no beans" (1976)

"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it"

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right"

"If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee"

"If you live in New York, you're Jewish" (Lenny Bruce)

"If you look down, you will fall. If you look up, you will fly"

"If you look like your passport photo, you need the trip"

"If you make 10,000 regulations you destroy all respect for the law"

"If you miss the ball, don't miss the leg" (soccer adage)

"If you mix butter and flour, you'll roux the day"

"If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first"

"If you need two yards, he'll get you two yards..." (running back joke)

"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun"

"If you operate a drill press, you have a boring job"

"If you owe a bank thousands, you have a problem; owe a bank millions, the bank has a problem"

"If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys"

"If you plant corn, you get corn" (proverb)

"If you play great on Friday nights, then you can play on Saturdays" (football adage)

"If you push Continental breakfast tables together, do you get a Pangaea breakfast?"

"If you put root beer in a square cup, does it become beer?" (joke)

"If you ran like your mouth, you'd be in good shape"

"If you scroll down far enough, we're all on the front page"

"If you see a good move, look for a better one" (chess adage)

"If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you hit him?" (lawyer joke)

"If you see a rabbit laying little brown eggs, don't eat them. It's not chocolate"

"If you see a Swiss banker jumping out of a window, follow him" (Voltaire?)

"If you see a turtle on a fence, he had help getting there"

"If you see me running, call the police"

"If you see something, say something"

"If you see something, steal something"

"If you see the play happen, you have missed the picture" (sports photography adage)

"If you shoot it, you eat it" (hunting adage)

"If you sleep with the elephants, you can't cover the circus" (journalism adage)

"If you snooze, you lose"

"If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie"

"If you still look cute at the end of your workout, you didn't train hard enough"

"If you struggle cutting cake, is it still a piece of cake?"

"If you stumble, make it part of the dance"

"If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything"

"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance"

"If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right"

"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until it's free"

"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball"

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments"

"If you think practice is boring, try sitting on the bench"

"If you think you're going to hit into a double play, strike out"

"If you think you've got nothing to be thankful for...check your pulse"

"If you think you can, you can" (Mary Kay Ash?)

"If you took all the fools out of the Lege, it wouldn't be a representative body"

"If you torture the data long enough, it will confess"

"If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will just eat cereal. It's science"

"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog"

"If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily"

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen"

"If you want it bad, you will get it bad"

"If you want snow, schedule a downhill race" (skiing adage)

"If you want something in the paper, that's advertising; you want something kept out, that's news"

"If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission"

"If you want to be a hero, join the fire department" (police saying)

"If you want to build a crowd, start a fight"

"If you want to come in second...follow me!" (running aphorism)

"If you want to get ahead, get a hat"

"If you want to get laid, go to college; if you want an education, go to the library"

"If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together"

"If you want to have rabbit stew, first catch the rabbit"

"If you want to hide something, put it in writing"

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at some of the people he gives it to"

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" ("Man plans, God laughs")

"If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map"

"If you want to sell it, crumb it"

"If you want to succeed, double your rate of failure"

"If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep"

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?" (joke)

"If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?"

"If you were a fruit, you'd be a fineapple"

"If you were a vegetable, you’d be a cutecumber"

"If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee" (Nancy Astor to Churchill?)

"If you win a year's worth of calendars, do you only win one calendar?"

"If you win the morning, you win the day" (radio adage)

"If you wish to grow thinner, diminish your dinner"

"If you would be pungent, be brief"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

"If you wrote a screenplay about coffee, would it be a JavaScript?"

Iggy (iguana sculpture on the Lone Star Café)

Iggy (iguana sculpture at the Fort Worth Zoo)

IINO (Independent In Name Only)

"It's the silence between the notes that makes the music"

IITYWIMWYBMAD ("If I tell you what it means will you buy me a drink?")

"I used to run a pizza restaurant called Calzone, but it folded"

"IKEA is Swedish for divorce"

"IKEA: Legos for adults"

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Illuminutty (Illuminati + nutty)

"I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one"

"I'll be here all week. Try the veal." (stand-up comedian joke)

"I'll be Irish in a few beers"

"I’ll change my Facebook username to NOBODY..." (joke)

"I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig, I’ll do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line"

"I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly"

"(I'll give you my gun when you take it) From my cold, dead hands"

"I’ll have a rum and coke" (joke)

"I'll have burnt toast and cold coffee" (restaurant customer joke)

"I'll have what she's having!"

"I'll hug your elephant if you kiss my ass" (Republican-Democrat bipartisanship)

"I'll sign anything except bad legislation" (Kinky Friedman)

"I'll slap you so hard even Google won't be able to find you"

"I'll take the lobster home to dinner" (joke)

"Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion"

"Imagine the audience naked" (theatre saying)

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television"

"Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery"

Impact Festival

Impeach-mint (political flavor)

"Imperfect action is better than perfect inaction"

Imperial Congress

Imposing Misery and Famine (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

Impregnable Quadrilateral (golf's four major events)

"Improvement begins with 'I'"

"Improvise, adapt and overcome" (Marine Corps motto)

"I'm about to have a cup of dangerous coffee. Safe tea first though"

"I'm addicted to seaweed. I must seek kelp"

"I'm allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I break out in handcuffs"

"I'm allergic to rice. I'm basmatic"

"I'm allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm"

"I'm always losing things at work...my glasses, my keys, my will to live..."

"I’m assuming Greek yogurt is just regular yogurt but with way more hair"

"I'm a baker for the army. When I go to war, I go in all buns glazing"

"I'm a chemical engineer. I convert beer and wine into urine"

"I'm a good housekeeper; every time I get a divorce, I keep the house"

"I'm a graduate, so a thermometer is not the only thing that has degrees without brains"

"I'm a light eater; when it gets light, I start eating"

"I'm a magician. I can make my paycheck disappear"

"I'm a magician who steals candy bars. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a Ph.D. -- Pizza Hut Deliveryman"

"I'm a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass. I eat cows"

"I'm a social vegan. I avoid meet"

"I'm a vegetarian not because I love animals, but because I hate plants"

"I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become"

"I'm a woman. I have needs. Pass me the wine"

"I’m beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen"

"I'm being held momentarily by the train dispatcher" (joke)

"I'm broke and I have a college degree to prove it"

"I'm combining Easter and April Fools'. I'm sending the kids to look for eggs I haven't hidden"

"I'm convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notifications"

"I'm convinced that the employees of IKEA were just used to be customers"

"I'm crazy? I want a second opinion!"/"You're ugly, too."

"I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red"

"I'm drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is"

"I'm drinking vodka and prune juice. I call it a pile driver"

"I'm eating just in case I get hungry in the future"

"I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days"

"I'm from New York. We don't keep calm"

"I'm from Texas. What country are you from?"

"I'm from the government and I'm here to help you"

"I'm getting pancakes with a side of pancakes"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month" (joke)

"I'm giving up drinking for Lent and giving up Lent for St. Patrick's Day"

"I'm glad 'feta' isn't the plural of 'fetus.' If it were, I might have to stop eating Greek salads"

"I'm going bananas...is what I say to my bananas before leaving the house"

"I'm going to a notable restaurant tonight. I'm excited, but I don't know where I'll put my plate"

"I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year. He was easy to get a lawn with"

"I'm going to open a Vietnamese soup/Southern barbeque restaurant and call it Phở Que"

"I'm gonna be a Social Justice Warrior for Halloween" (joke)

"I'm great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once"

"I'm having an out-of-money experience"

"I'm having fruit salad for dinner..." (wine joke)

"I'm holding a cup of coffee. So yeah, I'm pretty busy right now"

"I'm hungry."/"Hi hungry. I'm Dad."

"I'm into auto-cannibalism. People say I'm full of myself"

"I'm in a band called Dyslexia. We've just released our greatest shit album"

"I'm in a pirate-themed band. We can't stop writing hooks"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm in so much debt, I could start a government"

"I'm just here for the beer"

"I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up"

"I'm leaving office to spend more time with my family" (political scandal excuse)

"I'm like horse manure in a rodeo (i.e., everywhere)" (Liz Smith)

"I'm not above calling in sick from the parking lot"

"I'm not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; I'm a drunk, we go to parties"

"I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a bartender who works from home"

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"

"I'm not a genius. I'm just a tremendous bundle of experience"

"I'm not a member of any organized political party -- I'm a Democrat"

"I'm not a procrastinator. I'm just extremely productive at unimportant things"

"I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are"

"I'm not a wine snob. I'm just an awesommelier" (awesome + sommelier)

"I'm not cheap. I'm frugal"

"I'm not confused -- I'm only well-mixed"

"I'm not drinking anymore (but I'm not drinking any less, either)"

"I'm not fat -- I'm cultivating mass"

"I'm not fat -- I'm fluffy"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just big boned"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just easy to see"

"I'm not fat -- I'm just so sexy, it overflows"

"I'm not fat -- just short for my weight"

"I'm not fat -- my stomach is just in 3D"

"I'm not gaining weight -- I'm retaining food"

"I'm not homophobic. I'm not afraid of my house!"

"I'm not hungry. But, I am bored. Therefore, I shall eat"

"I'm not lazy. I'm on energy saving mode"

"I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a client" (Hair Club for Men)

"I'm not overweight -- I'm undertall"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not really a social drinker. I'd say most of my drinking is work-related"

"I'm not running away from hard work. I'm too lazy to run"

"I'm not slow. I'm just getting my money's worth from the entry fee"

"I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them"

"I’m not sure if I’m hungry, but I’m gonna eat anyway, just in case"

"I'm not sure sure if it's the thyme or the plaice" (joke)

"I'm not the manager because I'm always right, but I'm always right because I'm the manager"

"I'm not unemployed -- I'm a consultant"

"I'm not unemployed, I'm NSFW"

"I'm not yawning. I'm doing face yoga"

"I'm no good at hunting mushrooms, but I can provide morel support"

"I'm old enough to remember when emojis were called 'hieroglyphics'"

"I'm only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand"

"I'm only speeding because I really have to poop" (bumper sticker)

"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already!"

"I'm overpaying him, but he's worth it"

"I’m pretty sure it’s easier to leave most street gangs than it is to cancel a gym membership"

"I'm proud to pay taxes; I could be just as proud for half the money"

"I'm really glad they made the Children's Aid Society" (Children's Aid Society jingle)

"I’m really glad we don’t have to hunt our own food anymore. I don’t know where sandwiches liv

"I'm really into crossfit. I cross my fingers and hope my ass fits in those jeans"

"I'm retired. Every day is Saturday"

"I'm rubber and you're glue. She's tape. He's a stapler. All my friends are office supplies"

"I'm running out of unproductive things to do at work"

"I'm selling my theremin… I haven’t touched it in years"

"I'm sick of all these Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone"

"I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I'm so bad at chess the only way I'll get to say 'checkmate' is at an Australian restaurant"

"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse and chase the rider"

"I'm so poor I can't afford to pay attention"

"I’m so unfamiliar with my gym that I have started calling it Mr. James"

"I'm speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I'm going"

"I'm starvin' like Marvin" (Starvin' Marvin)

"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -- I don't know if I'm coming or going"

"I'm the straw that stirs the drink" (Reggie Jackson)

"I'm thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator. I wonder how many are in that field"

"I'm thinking about running a marathon again" (joke)

"I'm too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener"

"I'm trying to get into the Christmas spirit, but the damn bottle won't open!"

"I'm trying to kick dairy and now I've got the milk shakes"

"I'm very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I've got twelve fridges"

"I'm with stupid"

"I'm working on my résumé. Should I use 'mad skillz' or would 'mad skills' be more formal?"

Incandescent District (Broadway)

"Inch by inch, it's a cinch; yard by yard, it's hard; mile by mile, it's a trial"

INCH (I'm Never Coming Home) Bag

Income Reduction Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

"Income tax has been defined as the fine we pay for reckless thriving"

"Incompetence is a double-edged banana"

"Incongruous: Where bills are passed"

Incorrect Promise (euphemism for "lie")

"Indecision is the key to flexibility"

"Independence Day -- celebrating the country by blowing up a small part of it"

"Indescribably delicious"

Indiana: "If the kitchen's in the house and Diana's in the kitchen, what's in Diana?"

"Indict a ham sandwich"

Industrial Business Zone (IBZ)

Ineptocracy (inept + democracy)

"Inequality is as dear to the American heart as liberty itself"

Infernal Revenue Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Infinity Apple (GreeNYC symbol, 2007)

Inflationista

Inflation Eve (balloon-inflating for Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade)

"Inflation is when you find that your nest egg won't even make an omelet"

"Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got"

"Information is power, but like all power, there are those who want to keep it for themselves"

"Information is the most precious commodity on Wall Street"

Infowhores (Infowars + whores)

Info Babe or Infobabe (woman in television news broadcasting)

"Ingredients for Life" & "Your Remarkable Store" (Randalls slogans)

Inner Circle

"Innovate or die"

"Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result"

Inside Baseball

"Inside every sportswriter is a frustrated athlete"

"Insomnia -- the art of falling asleep just as your alarm goes off to start the day"

"Inspiration does exist, but it must find you working"

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

Instagirl (Instagram + girl)

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is down. Just describe your lunch to me"

"Instagram is Twitter for people who can't read"

"Instagram would've been a great name for a cocaine delivery service"

"Instant asshole -- just add alcohol" ("Instant jackass -- just add alcohol")

Instant Classic

"Instant human -- just add coffee"

"Instead of cashiers saying 'here’s your receipt' they should say 'will you throw this away?'"

"Institutions will try to preserve the problem to which they are the solution"

"Instrument of the Immortals" (Steinway & Sons)

"Insurance covers everything except what happens"

Insurance District

"Insurance is sold, not bought"

"Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, until you realize it was your money to start with"

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intelligence is like wealth. Great to have, but if you go around showing it off..."

"Intensity builds immensity" (bodybuilding adage)

"Interest on debt grows without rain"

Internal Rectal Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Revenge Service (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

Internal Rotten Scoundrels (Internal Revenue Service or IRS nickname)

International Dance Festival

International Mafia Federation (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Misery Fund (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

International Mother Fuckers (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"Internships give you all the experience of a summer job without the hassle of a paycheck"

"Intoxicated, adj.: When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it"

"Investigate, then invest" (Wall Street saying)

"Investing is simple, but it's not easy"

"Invest in people who invest in you"

"Invest in what you know best" (Wall Street adage)

"Invest in your passions"

Invisible Fist (invisible hand + fist)

Invisible Government

Inwoodite (inhabitant of Inwood, Manhattan)

"In America, dogs are k-9s. But in China, dogs are e-10"

"In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the party always finds you"

In-and-Out List

"In a bear market, money returns to its rightful owners" (Wall Street proverb)

"In a city of eight million sundials, nobody has any idea how long a minute is"

"In a democracy, your vote counts; in feudalism, your count votes"

"In a dog-eat-dog market, get yourself a big dog"

"In a financial crisis, all correlations go to one"

"In a relationship with food"

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act"

"In boxing, you fight over a belt and a purse"

"In confusion there is profit"

"In court, your fate is in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to escape jury duty"

"In Crust We Trust"

"In dog beers, I've only had one"

"In economics, two people can win a Nobel Prize for saying the opposite thing"

"In every language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast"

"In for a dime, in for a dollar"

"In God we trust. All others must bring data"

"In God we trust (all others pay cash)"

"In God we trust. All others we polygraph"

"In grade school it's called bullying, but when you get older it's called upper level management"

"In hockey, goaltending is 75 percent of the game -- unless it's bad goaltending"

"In honor of tax season, for an extra $50, the hookers in Times Square will handle your extension"

"In Iowa, they pick corn; in New Hampshire, they pick presidents"

"In life, the only thing you ever have to do is die. Everything else is a choice"

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate"

"In life, you are either a passenger or a pilot. It's your choice"

"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current"

"In New York, it's not whether you win or lose — it's how you lay the blame"

In New York they ask, how much is he worth?

"In New York, you can have a great job, a great apartment and a great companion, but not all three"

"In pizza we crust"

"In politics, good gets better and bad gets worse"

"In politics, nothing happens by accident. If it happens you can bet it was planned that way."

"In politics, your enemies can't hurt you, but your friends will kill you"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, go to your nearest TexMex restaurant"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In queso emergency, I pray to Cheesus"

"In Russia, they call it Nyetflix" (nyet + Netflix)

"In school, kids are grouped by date of manufacture"

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is."

"In the beginning, a patriot is a scarce man, hated, feared and scorned"

"In the binary system, we count on our fists instead of on our fingers"

"In the business world, everyone is paid in two coins: cash and experience"

"In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield"

"In the first place God made idiots; this was for practice, then he made politicians"

"In the money"

"In the playoffs, your best players have to be your best players"

"In the pursuit of excellence, there is no finish line"

"In the red" (loss) & "In the black" (profit); Red Ink & Black Ink

"In the restaurant: 'Would you like a table?' 'No, a lamp for 5 please.'"

"In the soup"

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of baseball"

"In the stock market, there's a fine line between being wrong and being early"

"In the weeds"

"In victory, you deserve champagne; in defeat, you need it"

"In Vino Veritas, In Cervesio Felicitas" ("In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is joy")

"In war, there are no unwounded soldiers"

"In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times"

"In Washington, the scandal isn't what's illegal; the scandal is what's legal"

"In what key does the ghost play piano?"/"In the spoo-key."

"In wine there is wisdom; in beer there is freedom; in water there is bacteria"

I.O.U.S.A. (IOU + USA)

Iowa: "As Iowa goes, so goes Iowa"

Iowa: Full Grassley (politician visiting each county)

Iowa: Idiots Out Wandering Around (backronym)

Iowa: "Iowa picks corn, New Hampshire picks presidents"

Iowa: I Owe the World an Apology (backronym)

Iowa: "Three tickets out of Iowa" (Iowa caucus adage)

Iraq (LeFrak City); Kuwait (Queensbridge)

Irish Amnesia or Irish Alzheimer's (to forget everything but the grudge)

Irish Coffee (Gaelic Coffee)

Irish Handcuffs (alcoholic drinks in both hands)

"Irish I was drunk" ("Irish I were drunk")

Irish Nachos

Irish Riviera (Breezy Point)

Irish Soda Bread

"Irish stew...in the name of the law" (knock-knock joke)

"Irish you a happy St. Patrick's Day" (knock-knock joke)

Iron Maiden or HEET (High Entrance/Exit Turnstile)

Iron Pipeline (I-95)

Iron Triangle

Iron Triangle (Willets Point)

IRSS (IRS + SS)

"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got"

Irvingite (inhabitant of Irving)

"Islander goal!" (hockey catchphrase)

Island of Misfit Toys (Harry Chapin Playground, Brooklyn Heights)

Isle of Tears or Island of Hope (Ellis Island Immigration Station)

Islosers (Islanders + losers)

"Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?" (joke)

"Isn't Texas cute?" (Alaskan T-shirt)

Israeli Double Standard Time

Israeli Film Festival

"Is anything okay?" (Jewish restaurant joke)

"Is a cul-de-sac a spoon in the road?"

"Is a frozen watermelon still a watermelon or is it now an icemelon?"

"Is a hot dog a sandwich?" (debate question)

"Is a line outside a Vietnamese restaurant a pho queue?"

"Is a subpar golfer good or bad?"

"Is Betteridge's law of headlines correct?" (headline joke)

"Is Brooklyn still in the league?" (1934)

"Is chicken soup good for your health?"/"Not if you're the chicken!"

"Is corn the only thing that’s delicious after it explodes?"

"Is Google a woman? Because it won't let you finish without coming up with other suggestions"

"Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

"Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces 'nice car'?"

"Is it Friday yet?"

"Is it okay to bring marijuana brownies to pot luck dinner?"

"Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?"

"Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"

"Is it soup yet?"

"Is it still considered wine tasting if I’m on my third glass?"

"Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths?"

"Is it whiskey?"/"Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

"Is raising chickens hard work?"/"It sure is. You have to work around the cluck."

"Is that a banana in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

“Is that a custard or a meringue?”/“You’re not wrong. It’s a custard.”

"Is that you or the beer talking?" (joke)

"Is that you or the wine talking?" (joke)

"Is there a criminal lawyer in this town?" (lawyer joke)

"Is this meat really wild?"/"Yes sir, it was absolutely furious when we shot it."

"Is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?"

"Is your refrigerator running?" (joke)

Italian Ice

Italian Sandwich

Italian Sandwich ("big sandwich" from Angelo Basso)

Ithaca: "Ithaca is 10 square miles, surrounded by reality"

Ithaca: Ithaca is Gorges (slogan)

"It's 10 p.m. Do you know where your children are?"

"It's 110 degrees, but it's a dry heat" (Texas heat joke)

"It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward" (boxing adage)

"It's all about the rings" (winning championships over money)

"It's all right to drink like a fish — if you drink what a fish drinks"

"It's always better to be a pallbearer than to be a body"

"It's always better to sacrifice your opponent's pieces" (chess adage)

"It's a child, not a choice"

"It's a dirty job, but somebody has to do it"

"It's a free country!"

"It's a good book, but everyone gets killed in the end" (Pete Gent on Dallas Cowboys playbook)

"It's a great day for a baseball game -- let's play two!"

"It's a great game, but a crappy business"

"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish"

"It's a legal system, not a justice system"

It's A Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn't Want to Live There

"It's a Texas Thing" ("It's a Texas Thang")

"It's been one hell of a party" (Larry McMurtry's "Lonesome Dove")

"It's better to be judged by twelve than to be carried by six" (police saying)

"It's better to be pissed off than pissed on"

"It's better to know the judge than to know the law"

"It’s better to sweat in the gym than to bleed in the streets"

"It's breakfast time somewhere"

"It's called 'celery' because 'cold, wet plant bones' takes too long"

"It's called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it"

"It's cheaper to send a kid to Yale than it is to jail"

"It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve"

"It's crooked, but it's the only game in town"

"It's darkest before dawn, so that's the best time to steal a neighbor's newspaper"

"It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled"

"It's easier to get to the top than it is to stay there"

"It's five o'clock somewhere" (drinking saying)

"It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies"

"It's great to be young and a Yankee"

"It's happy hour somewhere"

"It's hard to beat a team three times in one season" (sports adage)

"It's IKEA's birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk"

"It's immoral to let a sucker keep his money" (poker adage)

"It's impossible to predict the past" (joke)

"It’s impressive how quickly I can go from full to starving"

"It's ironic that pregnant women drink virgin cocktails"

"It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one"

"It's just a hill -- get over it!" (running and cycling aphorism)

"It's just a job. I beat people up" (boxing)

"It's kind of funny how there's never lines at water park restrooms"

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better"

"It's Monday. Put on your capes"

"It's Monday, teachers. Put on your capes"

"It's More Bueno" (Taco Bueno)

It's Mostly Fiscal or It's Mainly Fiscal (International Monetary Fund or IMF nickname)

"It's never been worth zero!" (gold advertisement)

"It's never good when a safety is your team's leading tackler" (football adage)

"It's never too early to change the oil" (automotive adage)

"It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice"

"It's not a matter of what is true that counts, but a matter of what is perceived to be true"

"It's not a stock market, but a market of stocks" (Wall Street saying)

"It’s not a Sunday unless you completely waste it, then feel really sad around 8 p.m."

"It's not brain surgery"

"It’s not drinking alone if the dog is home"

"It's not drinking alone if you're pregnant"

"It's not fair that coffee stains your teeth brown, but milk doesn't stain them white"

"It's not fitness. It's life" (Equinox)

"It's not government work unless you have to do it twice"

"It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere"

"It's not how big you are, it's how big you play"

"It's not how good you are, it's how good you want to be"

"It's not how you drive; it's how you arrive" (golf adage)

"It's not my fault I blame everyone else for my mistakes"

"It's not over until you shake hands" (hockey, tennis adage)

"It's not rocket science"

"It's not the crime, it's the cover-up"

"It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours"

"It's not the minutes at the table that make you fat -- it's the seconds"

"It's not the X's and O's, it's the Jimmys and Joes"

"It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on"

"It's not what is poured into a student that counts, but what is planted"

"It's not what you eat between Christmas and New Year's that makes you fat..."

"It's not what you know, but who you know"

"It's not what you make, it's what you keep"

"It's not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame"

"It's not who you know, it's whom you know"

"It's no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be"

"It's no long a question of staying healthy; it's finding a sickness you like"

"It's no longer called 'box wine' -- the classy term is 'Cardboardeaux'"

"It's often hard to discern the difference between Texas Tough and Texas Stupid" (Molly Ivins)

"It's okay password, I'm insecure too"

"It's only a gambling addiction if you keep losing. Otherwise, it's a high paying career"

"It's only money"

"It's only the ball that's soft" (softball saying)

"It's our currency, but it's your problem" ("It's our dollar, but it's your problem")

It's Probably Overpriced (Initial Public Offering or IPO nickname)

"It's Saturday! The only decision you need to make is bottle or glass"

"It's sherbert day" (sherbet + birthday)

"It's sick out there and getting sicker" (Bob Grant)

"It's smart to be thrifty" (Macy's); "Nobody undersells Gimbels" (Gimbels)

"It's smart to save money; some day it may be worth something"

"It's so dry, the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so dry, the catfish are carrying canteens" (Texas heat joke)

'It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs" (Texas heat joke)

"It's so hot, the trees are whistling for dogs" (heat joke)

"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem"

"It's strange how drinking 8 cups of water seems impossible, but 8 cups of coffee go down"

"It's strange that there is a setting on your toaster to completely burn the bread"

"It's tea time somewhere"

"It's the economy, stupid"

"It's the Hall of Fame, not the Hall of Very Good"

"It's the Jewish new year 5768 and I still write 5767 on my checks" (joke)

"It's the last thing you take off and the first thing that is noticed" (cowboy hat)

"It's the notes you don't play that matter" (jazz adage)

"It's the punch you don't see coming that knocks you out" (boxing adage)

"It's the thought that counts"

"It's Thursday, or as I like to call it: Day 4 of the hostage situation"

"It's Thursday, which is 'Friday Eve' in Optimisian"

"It's time, not timing" (Wall Street adage)

"It's unlucky to be behind at the end of a game"

"It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office"

"It's very difficult to beat the market when you are the market"

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts"

"It ain't no thing but a chicken wing"

"It ain't over 'til it's over" ("It's not over until it's over")

"It ain't the heat, it's the humility"

"It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies..."

"It always rains at the end of a long dry spell" (weather joke)

"It costs more to be poor"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It cost me $500 to fly economy class. What a waste of money. I still know nothing about economics"

"It doesn’t matter how much milk you spill, as long as you don’t lose the cow"

"It doesn't matter how ready you think you are. The toaster will scare you"

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full..."

"It doesn't matter if you win or lose. What matters is if I win or lose"

"It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose"

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority"

"It gets late early out there"

"It isn't sex that wrecks these players, it's staying up all night looking for it"

"It isn't that I'm not a people person. It's just that I'm not a stupid people person"

"It isn't the holly, it isn't the snow. It isn't the tree nor the firelight's glow" (Christmas poem)

"It is 4 o'clock on Wall Street -- do you know where your money is?"

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education"

"It is better to live one year as a lion than 100 years as a sheep"

"It is harder for a poor man to enter the United States Senate than for a rich man to enter Heaven"

"It is high! It is far! It is gone!" (baseball home run call)

"It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible"

"It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than a fast car slow"

"It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission"

"It is not the bull side or the bear side, but the right side"

"It is only after a man gets rich that he discovers how many poor relatives he has"

"It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government"

"It is the first responsibility of every citizen to question authority"

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press"

"It is wiser to choose what you say than to say what you choose"

"It it jiggles, it's fat"

"It just takes one team to draft you" (player draft adage)

"It looks like a toothpick in a pie" (J. Frank Dobie on UT tower)

"It may be dangerous to be America's enemy, but to be America's friend is fatal"

"It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m thinking about food"

"It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm quite busy"

"It never occurs to politicians that Lincoln is worth imitating as well as quoting"

"It never rains on a golf course"

"It only takes two to make an auction" (auction adage)

"It pays to advertise" (advertising adage)

"It rains on both sides of the field" (football adage)

"It rains on rich and poor alike, but the rich have better umbrellas"

"It Shines For All" (New York Sun)

"It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something"

"It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan"

"It takes a flood to break a drought"

"It takes a lot of beer to make good wine"

"It takes four persons to dress a salad..."

"It takes good hitters to be a good hitting coach" (baseball adage)

"It takes money to make money" ("You've got to spend money to make money")

"It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly"

"It takes nine months to make a baby, no matter how many people you put on the job"

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk -- usually the fourth one"

"It takes ten years to become an overnight success"

"It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark" (planning proverb)

"It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it"

"It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers"

"It was meaty okra" (mediocre)

"It was raining cats and dogs and I stepped in a poodle"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a dog stuck to a fire hydrant"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a gangsta pull his pants up"

"It was so cold in New York that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the Central Park ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that they canceled the ice festival"

"It was so cold in New York that the flashers were only describing themselves"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in New York the Statue of Liberty put the torch under her dress"

"It was so cold in Washington that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets"

"It was so cold outside that I farted snowflakes"

"It was so cold that Dunkin' Donuts was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that grandpa's teeth chattered -- and they were still in the glass"

"It was so cold that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I chipped a tooth on my soup"

"It was so cold that I enjoyed it when someone spilled hot coffee on my lap"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a chicken with a cape on"

"It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside"

“It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus drive by and the dog was on the inside”

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I saw chickens lined up for KFC's deep fryer"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that I was drinking hot sauce instead of coffee"

"It was so cold that opticians were giving away ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses"

"It was so cold that pickpockets were sticking hands in strangers' pockets to keep them warm"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick"

"It was so cold that the cops were tasering themselves"

"It was so cold that the Times Square hookers charged $20 just to blow on your hands"

"It was so cold that we didn't clean the house -- we just defrosted it"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold that when we milked the cows, we got ice cream"

"It was so cold we had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords"

"It was so hot in New York that I walked past Grant's Tomb -- and the door was open"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty has pit stains"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty put her arm down"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was asked to blow out her torch"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty was holding a Slurpee"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty went topless"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that the Statue of Liberty wore a bikini"

"It was so hot in New York that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It was so windy that when I was walking to the gym, I got blown into the wine store"

"It will fluctuate" (J. Pierpont Morgan?)

"It will take an act of Congress" (idiom)

"I've been cutting carbs lately -- with a pizza cutter"

"I've been exercising using dictionaries, and I'm finally starting to see some definition"

"I've been hiding from exercise. I'm in the fitness protection program"

"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days"

"I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better"

"I've been thrown out of better places than this!"

"I've been watching the Origami Channel. It's paper view"

"I'VE DECIDED TO WRITE MY TWEETS IN CAPITALS. I WROTE THIS ONE IN PARIS"

"I've failed math so many times I can't even count"

"I've got a fruit fetish. Well, that's according to my currant girlfriend"

"I've got a job as part of a human chess board. I'm on knights this week"

"I've got a million of 'em" (comedy saying)

"I've got a pen and a phone" (executive authority)

"I've got no problems with genetically modified food. Just had a lovely leg of salmon"

"I've got the same Easter plans as Jesus. Disappear on Friday, show up on Monday"

"I've grown to hate low ceilings"

"I’ve had so much coffee today I can see noises"

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again"

"I've just seen a very confusing book -- 'Ventriloquism for Dummies'"

"I've just started work as a human chess piece. The money's good. I'm on knights this week"

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking of making a few more"

"I've never been in love, but I imagine it's like when the waiter brings your food"

"I've never taken an elevator to the basement floor. That's just beneath me"

"I've never understood the point in fire blankets" (joke)

"I've reached the age where 'Happy Hour' is a nap"

"I've reached the age where I can't function without my glasses...especially if they're empty"

"I've studied Basic Human Anatomy so much that I know it like the back of my hand"

"I've trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine. He's a Bordeaux collie"

"I tried using a colander to view the eclipse. I think I've strained my eyes"

"i 8 sum Pi...and it was delicious" (math joke)

"I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet. Whoops, E-Daisies"

"I accidentally swallowed some food coloring and dyed a little inside"

"I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble pieces" (joke)

"I actually have a lot of jokes about potatoes, I just don’t know where to starch"

"I always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday"

"I always have a quotation for everything -- it saves original thinking"

"I always pick the checkout aisle with the most attractive cashier. The self-checkout"

"I always start my diet on the same day -- tomorrow"

"I always thought the record would stand until it was broken"

"I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back"

"I always wake up at the crack of ice"

"I always wanted to try juggling. I just never had the balls to"

"I am a bean; I am very lean" (food riddle)

"I am a firm believer in the people; if given the truth, they can meet any national crisis"

"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it"

"I am a slow walker, but I never walk back"

"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally"

"I am in shape. Round is a shape."

"I am known at the gym as the 'before picture'"

"I am not a glutton, but I am an explorer of food"

"I am not bound to win, but I'm bound to be true"

"I am not drunk! Who would name their kid Drunk?"

"I am pushing sixty -- that is enough exercise for me"

"I am rarely more focused on 5 seconds than when I'm waiting to skip an ad on the internet"

"I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them"

"I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii"

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my caddie for a sand wedge..." (golf joke)

"I asked my chef friend if they ever serve steak raw. He said yeah, but it's rare"

"I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper? She said they're old school" (joke)

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain"

"I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me!"

"I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!"

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the hot girl at my gym what her new year's resolution was" (joke)

"I asked the waitress for a 'quickie' and she slapped me" (quiche joke)

"I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sitting next to a screaming baby" (joke)

"I ate at a family restaurant. Every table had an argument going"

"I ate at Mary Poppin's Restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious!"

"I ate four cans of alphabet soup and had the biggest vowel movement ever"

"I ate so much okra I slid out of bed!" or "I couldn't keep my socks up!"

"I ate too much Middle Eastern food and now I falafel"

"I hate to waste sick days actually being sick"

"I (Babe Ruth) had a better year than he (President Hoover) did"

"I bake because punching people is frowned upon"

"I beat my boss over the head with a pie chart. I've been charged with a graph-aided assault"

"'I' before 'E,' except in Budweiser"

"'I' before 'E,' except when you run a feisty heist on your weird beige overweight foreign neighbor"

"I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided..." (joke)

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies"

"I bet Spider-Man could make a lot of money putting up Christmas lights in New York"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a Jewish sports car. It not only stops on a dime, it picks it up"

"I bought a new weed-whacker today. It's cutting hedge technology"

"I bought a used UPS truck. It gets bad gas mileage, but I can park anywhere"

"I bought cherries and cherry bombs. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I bought my mom a fridge for Christmas" (joke)

"I bought powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it"

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included"

"I bought some rocket salad yesterday, but it went off before I could eat it"

"I broke up with my gym. We were not working out."

"I build yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof"

"I burnt my Hawaiian pizza. I should've put it on aloha setting"

"I called the restaurant and I asked them if they take orders..." (joke)

"I came from a tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars"

"I came from a tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb"

"I can’t afford vacation, so I am just going to drink until I don’t know where I am"

"I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person"

"I can't believe pretzels are knot bread"

"I can't be your valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick!"

"I can't breathe" (anti-police brutality slogan)

"I can't die! I'm booked!"

"I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed. They always act so high and mighty"

"I can't tell if I like this blender. It keeps giving me mixed results"

"I can't turn water into wine, but I can turn pizza into breakfast"

"I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them"

"I can't wait until I retire so I can get up early on a morning and drive around really slowly"

"I can't work in an environment where I'm expected to do my job"

"I can eat anything I want and not get fat because I'm already fat"

"I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you"

"I can get it for you wholesale"

"I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell"

"I can give you the formula for failure: Try to please everybody"

"I can hear Monday morning already whispering 'Go fuck yourself' into my ear"

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can hold a note as long as the Chase Manhattan Bank" (singer Ethel Merman)

"I can only sleep on stacks of old magazines. I've got back issues"

"I can please only one person per day; today is not your day; tomorrow's not looking good either"

"I can spell 'banana,' but I never know when to stop"

"I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone"

"I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol"

"I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way" (joke)

"I changed my password to 'incorrect.' When I forget, it will tell me, 'Your password is incorrect'"

"I changed the name of my hard drive to ‘that thang'" (joke)

"I childproofed the house, but they still get in"

"I cleaned the attic with my wife. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair"

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage"

"I come from a long line of conga dancers"

"I couldn't decide whether or not to make spiced apple cider, so I mulled it over"

"I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt, but then it clicked"

"I couldn't have done it without the players" (Yankees manager Casey Stengel)

"I couldn't pay my doctor, so he gave me another six months to live"

"I could be a morning person, if morning happened around noon"

"I could be a morning person if my coffee maker brewed wine instead of coffee"

"I could burn water" (i.e., I can't cook)

"I could see every ketchup bottle in the restaurant. Heinz sight is 20/20"

"I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet" (aphorism)

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I crossed the road, walked into a bar, and changed a lightbulb..." (joke)

"I Dance Country at the Broken Spoke, Austin, Texas"

"I dearly love the state of Texas, but I consider that a harmless perversion on my part..."

"I decided to cross the road, not because I'm brave, but because I'm chicken"

"I designed a website for orphans. There isn't a home page"

"I didn't ask you to dance. I said you look fat in those pants"

"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables"

"I didn’t go to school just to eat my lunch"

"I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you."

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far"

"I didn't think wearing orthopaedic shoes would help my posture, but now I stand corrected"

"I didn't think there was a class system in the U.S." (joke)

"I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words"

"I disagree with you, but I'm pretty sure you're not Hitler"

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink"

"I don't always have time to study...but when I do, I don't"

"I don't always tell dad jokes. But when I do, he laughs"

"I don't always tolerate stupid people, but when I do, I'm probably at work"

"I don't believe the liberal media"

"I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with negative body image issues"

"I don't care who does the electing, so long as I get to do the nominating"

"I don't celebrate Christmas, but I do enjoy the festive drinks. You could say I'm eggnogstic"

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either"

"I don't drink champagne anymore after a really bad experience. We had it at my wedding"

"I don't drink water because fish fuck in it"

"I don't eat snails -- I prefer fast food"

"I don't get drunk -- I get awesome"

"I don't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day"

"I don't have a bank account because I can't remember my mother's maiden name"

"I don’t have a bucket list but my bikeit list is a mile long"

"I don't have a dog in that fight"

"I don’t have enough coffee or middle fingers for today"

"I don't jog. If I die, I want to be sick" (Abe Lemons, UT basketball coach)

"I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail"

"I don't know what I'd do without coffee. I'm guessing 25 to life"

"I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter"

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do" (joke)

"I don't like morning people. Or mornings. Or people"

"I don't like the Yankees, but I'm a huge fan of being overpaid to underperform"

"I don’t like whiny and cheesy people, but I do like wine and cheese people"

"I don't mind going to work, but the 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit"

"I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions"

"I don’t need a stable relationship. All I need is a stable internet connection"

"I don't need Google. My boyfriend knows everything!"

"I don't need to 'get a life.' I'm a gamer. I have LOTS of lives"

"I don't need you when I'm right"

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't see why there aren't marches against fat shaming..." (joke)

"I don't sweat, I sparkle" ("I don't sweat, I glisten/glow")

"I don't take soup. You can't build a meal on a lake"

"I don't make jokes -- I just watch the government and report the facts" (Will Rogers)

"I don't think I ever want to be a mime. It just doesn't speak to me"

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something"

"I don't trust new cafes. They fill me with uncertain tea"

"I don't understand people that have goals like getting likes on their selfie"

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't understand why record stores are failing. They have record sales every year"

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work"

"I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it"

"I don't work here. I'm a consultant"

"I donut understand food puns"

"I doubt vodka is the answer, but it's worth a shot"

"I do exercise. I do one sit up everyday…when I get out of bed in the morning"

"I do many things well. None of which generate income"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do marathons (on Netflix)"

"I do my best proofreading after I hit 'send'"

"I do my best thinking when I'm drinking"

"I do not find in Christianity one redeeming feature" (Jefferson?)

"I do resistance training every day. It's called refusing to go to the gym"

"I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding! I drink wine in yoga pants"

"I drank so much vodka last night, I woke up with a Russian accent"

"I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road..."

"I dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. He's dreaming, too"

"I drink as I dress: Chablis"

"I drink coffee because I need it, and wine because I deserve it"

"I drink coffee for your protection"

"I drink straight out of the wine bottle while cooking. That's what they mean by reducing it"

"I drink, therefore I am" (Bibo ergo sum)

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it"

"I drink to make other people interesting"

"I drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I can't move for months"

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio" (Bacardi + cardio)

"I drink wine because I don't like to keep things bottled up"

"I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef"

"I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx"

"I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere"

"I eat my peas with honey; I've done it all my life..." (poem)

"I eat salad every day. Bean salad…Coffee bean salad…Coffee. I drink coffee every day"

"I eat tacos over a tortilla so when stuff falls out, BOOM!, another taco"

"I eat the broken cookies first because I feel bad for them"

"I eat the same Indian bread as everyone else. I'm a naan conformist"

"I enjoy long, romantic walks...to the fridge"

"I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it"

"I entered a dad joke competition and won $1000. It was a grand dad joke"

"I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house"

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height"

"I farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels"

"I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe"

"I feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together"

"I feel relatively neutral about New York" (slogan parody)

"I feel safer on a racetrack...than on Houston expressways" (A. J. Foyt)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink; they wake up, and that's as good as they'll feel all day"

"I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop"

"I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they're the last to know"

"I fell in love. His name is New York"

"I felt bad, but then I installed a new version of office. It improved my outlook"

"I finally got an A on my essay! (Only 1999 more words to go)"

"I finally quit drinking for good. Now I drink for evil"

"I find jello a little off-pudding"

"I followed my heart and it led me to the fridge"

"I forgot the French word for strawberry, so I looked it up in a fraise book"

"I forgot to go to the gym today. That's ten years in a row now"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I forgot to post on Facebook that I was going to the gym. Now my entire workout is a waste of time"

"I, for one, like Roman numerals"

"I found a builder who advertises 'No job too small' so I’ve got him tiling the doll's house"

"I found a hole in my trainer that's big enough to put my finger through" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'" (joke)

"I found it at the Colony!" (Colony Music Center)

"I found the key to success, only to discover that the door was never locked"

"I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves"

"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus" (joke)

"I get fatter and broker each time I don't take my lunch to work"

"I get paid to be nice at work. Not sure why family and friends expect that for free"

"I give the eclipse one star"

"I got an apartment over a bank. Now my assets over 10 million dollars"

"I got a bottle of scotch for my wife..." (joke)

"I got a sweater for Christmas, but I really wanted a screamer or a moaner"

"I got expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked"

"I got fired at the pickle factory" (joke)

"I got fired from my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from my job at the clock factory today. After all those extra hours I put in!"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off"

"I got hit with a can of soda. Fortunately, it was a soft drink"

"I got invited by a salad to his house. He wouldn't lettuce leaf!"

"I got kicked out of a pool for peeing in it" (joke)

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine"

"I got my stomach doing crunches -- usually either Nestlé or Captain"

"I got so drunk last night, I don’t know if I found some keys or lost a car"

"I got thrown out of a strip club last night for using Monopoly money"

"I got voted 'least likely to succeed' by my high school class" (joke)

"I go to the gym almost every day -- almost Monday, almost Tuesday..."

"I grew up surrounded by poverty -- my maid was poor, my butler was poor ..." (joke)

"I grilled a chicken for two hours yesterday..." (joke)

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City" (1969)

"I had a continental breakfast. Unfortunately, the continent was Africa"

"I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper -- dicing with death"

"I had a dream to read other people's minds. Then I joined Facebook"

"I had a life...but my job ate it"

"I had a pleasure trip -- took my mother-in-law to the airport"

"I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy"

"I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime"

"I had a shepherd's pie for lunch. He was furious"

"I had to give up my vegetarian diet. Turns out they're a lot harder to catch than cows"

"I had to prove I was a citizen of New York, so I stabbed him" (joke)

"I Happen To Like New York" (1930)

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate chewing gum underneath school tables. I wish I was comfortable enough to do it in public"

"I hate coffee -- it keeps me awake at work"

"I hate everybody, regardless of race, creed, or place of national origin!"

"I hate flash mobs. One once kicked my door down and forced me to update my Adobe"

"I hate it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but I discover they're just regular donuts"

"I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don’t know how much I want. They don’t know my life"

"I hate losing more than I love winning"

"I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays"

"I hate people who refuse to let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst"

"I hate people who take drugs. Like cops, DEA agents and customs officials"

"I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up"

"'I hate tacos!' said no Juan ever"

"I hate when people don’t watch where I’m going when I’m walking and texting"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when political candidates put their signs up in my front yard. Who's Foreclosure?"

"I hate when the debit/credit card reader at the checkout asks if the amount is okay"

"I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and the car is parked"

"I haven't owned a watch for I don't know how long"

"I haven't seen faith move mountains, but I have seen what faith can do to buildings"

"I have an addiction to snorting powdered fruit drink mix. Anybody got a punch line?"

"I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings..."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's just not a very good one"

"I have a chicken-proof lawn. It's impeccable"

"I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep. It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia"

"I have a condition which prevents me from going on a diet…it’s called hunger"

"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it"

"I Have a Little Dreidel" or "My Dreidel" (The Dreidel Song)

"I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work"

"I have a smart phone with a dumb battery"

"I have a step ladder. I never knew my real ladder"

"I have a weight problem -- I can't wait to eat"

"I have calf brains, stewed kidneys, pickled pigs' feet..." (Dallas waitress joke?)

"I have found the key to happiness. Stay the hell away from assholes"

"I have mixed drinks about feelings"

"I have never known a worthwhile man who became too big for his boots or his Bible"

"I have never understood why it is 'greed' to want to keep the money you have earned"

"I have the right to remain silent, but I don't have the ability"

"I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing"

"I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there"

"I hit the gym, but I drove away because I don't have car insurance"

"I hit two great balls on the golf course -- I stepped on a rake" (joke)

"I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in hello!"

"I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears"

"'I' is the only difference between fit and fat"

"I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven"

"I just donated $100 to a blind children's charity, not that the kids will ever see any of it"

"I just don't want to look back and think, 'I could've eaten that'"

"I just flew in and boy, are my arms tired!"

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got a job working in a full size cuckoo clock..." (joke)

"I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant. It really is Black Fry Day"

"I just got done working all night, and I am ready to call it a day"

"I just joined a gym for religious minorities -- Jehovah's Fitness"

"I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some serious explaining to do"

"I just realized I am not a morning person. I'm a coffee person"

"I just rescued some wine. It was trapped in a bottle"

"I just saved a bunch of money on Valentine's Day by switching to single"

"I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup. Took the words right out of my mouth"

"I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me"

"I kicked some dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. It's now water under the fridge"

"I kiss better than I cook"

"I knew a guy who collected candy canes. They were all in mint condition"

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early"

"I know alcohol isn't the answer, but it's my best guess"

"I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time"

"I know a mathematician who couldn't afford lunch. He could binomial"

"I know every single digit of pi. Just not in the right order"

"I know how to do anything. I'm a mom"

"I know how to load more than a washer & dryer" (pro-gun slogan)

"I know HTML (How To Meet Ladies)"

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry"

"I know it's cheesy, but I feel grate"

"I know it's not true, but let’s make the sonafabitch deny it" (a loaded political question)

"I know you shouldn't text and drive but I've only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay"

"I leave homework for the last day because I'll be older and wiser"

"I Left My Heart in San Francisco" (1954, 1962) ("Forgotten in Manhattan" lyric)

"I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes"

"I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake"

"I like coffee that kicks you in the face in the morning"

"I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one"

"I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me"

"I like my beer like I like my violence: domestic"

"I like my coffee black, like my soul"

"I like my coffee how I like myself: dark, bitter, and too hot for you"

"I like my coffee like I like my slaves. Free"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup"

"I like my coffee like I like my women. I don't like coffee"

"I like my coffee like my women. Without a penis" (anti-joke)

"I like my coffee with cream and my literature with optimism"

"I like my women how I like my laptop. On my lap, turned on and virus free"

"I like my women like I like Little Caesars. Hot and Ready"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer"

"I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot and on my lap"

"I like my women like I like my wine..." (joke)

"(I Like New York in June) How About You?" (1941)

"I like school. I just don't enjoy the learning part"

"I like the part of the day when food happens"

"I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to play chess with old men in the park...although it's hard to find 32 of them"

"I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert"

"I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped."

"I live in a two-story house" (marriage/divorce joke)

"I loaned a blind guy some money" (joke)

"I long for the day when we have to run bake sales to raise money for bombs"

"I looked for the key to success and then found it's a combination lock"

"I look fat. Please say something nice."/"You have perfect eyesight."

"I look forward to paying off all of my debt, and finally getting back to just being broke"

"I lost it in the sun" (baseball infielder after fumbling a ground ball)

"I lost my job as a yes man because I no too much"

"I love coffee, I love tea" ("Java Jive")

"I love cooking children and dogs. But hate using commas"

"I love cooking with wine -- sometimes I even put it in the food"

"I love deadlines; I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by"

"I love hard work. I could watch it all day"

"I love how all these so-called 'vegans' still drink water. That's a fish's house!"

"I love ketchup from my head tomatoes"

"I love my boss (I'm self-employed)"

"I love my computer because my friends live in it"

"I love my country...but I think we should start seeing other people"

"I love my country, but I fear my government"

"I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat"

"I Love New York" (2005)

"I Love NY" ("I Love NY More Than Ever")

"I love reunions. They're old school"

"I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words"

"I love sleep because it's like a time machine to breakfast"

"I love the smell of possibility in the morning"

"I love to go to Washington -- if only to be near my money"

"(I Love to Play Piano) Let Me Bang Your Box" (1950s)

"I love when my boss catches me doing work"

"I love you a latte"

"I love you more than Chinese restaurants love cats"

"I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee"

"I love you to the fridge and back"

"I made a chicken salad today. Cheeky bastard didn't even eat it"

"I made a huge to do list for this weekend. I just can't figure out who's going to do it"

"I made a killing in the stock market today -- I shot my broker"

"I made chili con carne from Scratch. I'll miss Scratch. He was a good dog!"

"I made love for an hour and fifteen minutes. We turned the clocks ahead"

"I make chocolate disappear. What's your superpower?"

"I make serious coffee -- so strong it wakes up the neighbors"

"I may be fat, but I identify as a skinny person. I'm trans-fat"

"I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet"

"I may love to shop, but I'm not buying your bullshit"

"I met a girl at a soccer game. I think she’s a keeper"

"I met my ex-wife at the gym. We didn't work out"

"I met my wife on the net. We were bad trapeze artists"

"I met someone else who urinates on fruit. We're going to go on a date"

"I might just take you out for pizza if you play your carbs right"

"I might wake up early and go running..." (joke)

"I missed the cosmetics exam. I had to do a makeup test"

"I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mostly use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive"

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of an enemy"

"I moved into an apartment over a bank. My assets over five million dollars"

"I moved into a bungalow. I wanted a house, but that's another story"

"I moved to New York for my health. I'm paranoid and my fears were justified"

"I must be in the front row"

"'I must do something' will always solve more problems than 'Something must be done'"

"I must get up. My coffee needs me"

"I must have money because I still have checks left"

"I need a hug...e bottle of wine"

"I need a raise. Three companies are after me" (joke)

"I need a six month vacation, twice a year"

"I need a vacation, not a stupid weekend"

"I need glasses to see my family. Specifically, two glasses of Scotch"

"I need to find a way to be asleep, but still get all my work done"

"I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes"

"I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still"

"I never got a job from a poor person"

"I never joined the mile-high club because I don't give a flying fuck"

"I never knew I could drop out of school until the 'Be cool, stay in school' guy gave a speech"

"I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure"

"I never promised you a rose garden"

"I never question myself. Why should I start now?"

"I never thought I'd get into Feng Shui, but oh, how the tables have turned"

"I never use body butter. I don't want to make myself irresistible to cannibals"

"I never vote for anybody; I always vote against"

"I occasionally enjoy having my steak undercooked...but that's rare"

"I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes"

"I once had a job drilling holes. It was really boring"

"I once set an alarm to tell me when my milk would expire. Spoiler alert"

"I once tried to sniff Coke, but the ice cubes blocked my nostrils"

"I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot"

"I only eat in three places: here, there and everywhere"

"I only have a kitchen because it came with the house"

"I only like New York as a friend"

"I only need coffee on days ending with the letter 'Y'"

"I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country" (Nathan Hale)

"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee"

"I ordered a Manhattan and that Indian bartender charged me $24!"

"I ordered tennis balls on the Internet, but the site crashed. Must be problems with the server"

"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go"

"I passed my physical exam! But I only got a C in Hepatitis"

"I played a great horse yesterday. It took seven horses to beat him"

"I played in a snooker tournament for the emotionally unstable. I was first to break"

"I pretend coffee helps, but I’m still a bitch"

"I put my phone on airplane mode. Now it won't stop calling me Shirley"

"I question the timing" (IQTT)

"I quit my job crushing cans. It was soda pressing"

"I quit my job over religious differences. My boss thought he was God and I didn’t"

"I quit my job working at a helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice"

"I quit smoking cold turkey" (joke)

"'I ran a half marathon' sounds so much better than 'I quit halfway through a marathon'"

"I read recipes the same way I read science fiction" (joke)

"I really love my fanbase...without it my fan would fall over"

"I really want to buy a supermarket checkout divider, but the cashier keeps putting it back"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder"

"I recently came into a large sum of money" (joke)

"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education"

"I run because I really like food"

"I run better than the government"

"I run better than the government"

"I said, 'Make me a Zombie.' The bartender said, 'God beat me to it.'"

"I saw an ad that said, 'TV for sale-Volume Stuck on Full.' I couldn't turn that down"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw an Amish billboard that said, 'don't drink or drive'"

"I saw a bumper sticker that said 'I miss New York,' so I broke the window and stole the radio"

"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting"

"I saw a family of raisins in the bank today. They were opening a currant account!"

"I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No phone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there drinking coffee"

"I saw a hot dog vendor today..." (joke)

"I saw a pasta driving a piece of yellow fruit. Spaghetti in a car banana"

"I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. It would work much better on the front"

"I saw a sign that said 'falling rocks.' I tried. It doesn't"

"I saw a sign that said 'Watch for children'" (joke)

"I saw your shirt. Who's NY?" -Overly Attached Girlfriend

"I say it's spinach, and I say the hell with it"

"I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen"

"I scream for ice cream" ("I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream")

"I seen my opportunities and I took 'em" & "Honest graft" (George Washington Plunkitt)

"I serve three meals: frozen, microwave and takeout"

"I shop everywhere, but I buy on 14th Street"

"I shot someone with a starting gun. I've been charged with race crime"

"I shouldn't have had seafood because now I'm feeling a little eel"

"I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I'm in whey over my head"

"I slapped a statue's ass. I've officially hit rock bottom"

"I sold fake eclipse glasses. but those suckers will never see me again"

"I sometimes wonder if Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima are married to each other"

"I souport publik edukashun"

"I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer"

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday"

"I spent four years in college and didn't learn anything. Double majored in psych & reverse psych"

“I spent three weeks trying to stuff the Thanksgiving turkey -- through the beak"

"I spent too much money on video games this month. All of my savings have gone up in Steam"

"I started a business that sells fertilizer. You could say I'm an entre-manure"

"I started a cold air balloon business, but I'm having trouble getting it off the ground"

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left"

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me"

"I stepped on a cornflake this morning. I'm a cereal killer now"

"I stole the car because I had to get to work" (joke)

"I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved"

"I submitted 10 puns to a newspaper contest hoping one would win, but no pun in ten did"

"I swallowed an abacus because it’s what’s inside that counts"

"I swear to drunk I'm not God" (joke)

"I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa"

"I tell new hires, 'Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you'"

"I think Christmas is a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think it's neat to order whisky, no ice"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly"

"I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work"

"I think my math teacher works for the CIA. He always wants to put radicals in isolation"

"I think my patience is at the bottom of this coffee cup. Hang on while I find it"

"I think my smartphone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at work"

"I think my smart phone is broken. I pressed the home button, but I'm still at school"

"I think my soulmate might be carbs"

"I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York"

"I think that a butt-dial is a polite form of booty-call"

"I think the girl at the grocery store likes me. She was totally checking me out"

"I think the holidays are a wonderful time for drinking"

"I think you're suffering from a lack of vitamin me"

"I think you press '0' to be connected with customer service because that's the amount of help"

"I thought about becoming a psychic, but I didn't know what people would think"

"I threw a boomerang at a ghost the other day. I knew it would come back to haunt me"

"I told myself I should stop drinking... But i'm not about to listen to some drunk"

"I told my dyslexic mate to turn his clock back..." (joke)

"I told my wife that it was her turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All I got was icy stares"

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places" (joke)

"I took an IQ test and the results were negative"

"I took a baking class. The final was a piece of cake"

"I took her to a barn dance, but all I got was the same old stall"

"I took levitation classes once, but I dropped out"

"I took my son to Coney Island. I asked, 'Wanna go in the Crazy House?'" (joke)

"I took up fencing once, but I couldn’t see the point"

"I tried cooking with wine. After 5 glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen"

"I tried paying taxes with a smile, but the IRS wanted cash"

"I tried playing water polo, but my horse drowned"

"I tried suing someone for stealing my basketball, but it got thrown out of court"

"I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life"

"I tried to catch some fog. I mist"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to change my password to 'beefstew,' but it wasn't stroganoff"

"I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed. He gave me an A4 effort"

"I tried to re-marry my ex-wife, but she figured out I was only after my money"

"I tried to say no to vodka, but it's 40% stronger than me"

"I tried to share a bag of potato chips with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench" (joke)

"I try to avoid things that make me fat. Like scales, photos and mirrors"

"I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m very proud to say I’ve been dry for two years"

"I used to be a freelance journalist, but I wasn't very good at it. Lance is still in prison"

"I used to be a member of the secret cooking society. They kicked me out for spilling the beans"

"I used to be a shoe salesman, but they gave me the boot"

"I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink"

"I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure"

"I used to care what other people thought until I tried to pay my bills with their opinions"

"I used to date an opera singer, but it didn't work out. She was all mi, mi, mi"

"I used to eat all natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes"

"I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it"

"I used to have mad cow disease, but I'm alright noooooo!" (joke)

"I used to like chicken more than beef, but that was hen and this is cow"

"I used to live in a tyre, but it got a puncture. Now I just live in a flat"

"I used to pee my pants when i stood in front of my 3rd grade class. It cost me my teaching career"

"I used to run an origami company, but it folded"

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place"

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying"

"I used up all my sick days, so I called in dead" (workplace saying)

"I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time"

"I walked into a bar and ordered a double..." (bar joke)

"I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, 'One day, this could be you'"

"I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, 'Sorry, but I forgot what room I'm in'" (joke)

"I wanted still water."/"This is sparkling, yes, but it's still water."

"I wanted to be a stenographer, but they told me they are not short-handed at the moment"

"I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares"

"I want anarchy. Because my keyboard is missing one"

"I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead"

"I want to grow my own food, but no one makes pizza seeds"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers"

"I want to live with the NY Jets. They don't beat anybody"

"I want to thank everyone for making this night necessary" (Yogi Berra Night)

"I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could!"

"I wasn't born Republican, Democrat, or yesterday"

"I was addicted to the Hokey-Pokey, but I turned myself around"

"I was afraid I might fail my fireworks exam, but I passed with flying colors"

"I was an honor student -- I don't know what happened"

"I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me"

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight"

"I was born at night, but not last night"

"I was doing my vocabulary homework when suddenly I felt dizzy. I had to sit for a spell"

"I was driving to work and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she's honest"

"I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company"

"I was fired from my job yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand; I'm always hard at work"

"I was fired from the keyboard factory today. I wasn't putting in enough shifts"

"I was given a book the other day on anger management. I lost it"

"I was going to eat a spaghetti squash, but then I thought, 'Nah, I butternut'"

"I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it"

"I was going to make a joke about sodium, but Na"

"I was going to tell a finance joke, but then again, it would bear no interest to you"

"I was in a restaurant last night and the waiter asked me to cover his shift" (joke)

"I was in love with Harlem long before I got there"

"I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won..." (joke)

"I was never a photogenic person, mainly because when everyone said cheese I said 'where?!'"

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'" (joke)

"I was sad, then I saw food"

"I was so drunk last night, when I got home I blew Chunks" (joke)

"I was thinking of running a marathon..." (joke)

"I was told that exercise helps with your decision making" (joke)

"I was trying to remember what it's called when you mix coffee and ice cream, but affogato!"

"I was walking through college and my camouflage teacher said I haven't seen you in class"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched a film where a guy poured meat juices over a nonfiction book. It's baste on a true story"

"I watched this play at a disadvantage -- the curtain was up" (Broadway saying)

"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed 20 Bobs"

"I went fishing today with my two friends, Rod and Annette"

"I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday. Farcical?"

"I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole!"

"I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out"

"I went to a restaurant and the food was all done with special effects. It was CGI Fridays"

"I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel"

"I went to a zoo and it had only one animal -- a dog. It was a Shih Tzu"

"I went to go shopping for cherries and microphones the other day. Bought a Bing, bought a boom"

"I went to school to become a wit -- only got halfway through"

"I went to the corner shop -- bought four corners" (joke)

"I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. A sign read: 'Bread in captivity'"

I will bring you down to Chinatown!

"I Will" (Chicago motto)

"(I will gladly pay you Tuesday for) A hamburger today"

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will start working when my coffee does"

"I will stop eating ice cream out of the container once I make it completely level"

"I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductible"

"I wish it would rain -- not for me cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year-old"

"I wish I was rich" (genie joke)

"I wish my wallet came with free refills"

"I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills"

"I wish there was a chess player named Richard. Everything he does would be a Dick move"

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money. I joined him"

"I wondered why somebody didn't do something. Then I realized that I am somebody"

"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, and then it hit me"

"I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scanned it"

“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal

"I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands"

"I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor, and think 'I'd tap that'"

"I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work"

"I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food"

"I Won't Go To Macy's Any More, More More" (Jump-rope jingle, 1938)

"I work as a waiter and, no, the pay isn’t great, but I put food on the table"

"I work hard so my dog can have a better life"

"I worship the quicksand he walks on"

"I wouldn't start from here" (joke)

"I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter!"/"If I were, you wouldn't be in my district!"

"I would've kept off the grass, but I don't understand sign language"

"I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener"

"I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza"

"I would get up early and jog in the morning, but I don't want to be the guy to find dead bodies"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would like monkey bars a lot more if they were more like places where monkeys got really drunk"

"I would lose weight, but I hate losing"

"I would rather be covered in sweat at the gym than in clothes at the beach"

"I would rather be governed by the first hundred names in the telephone book"

"I would rather choke on greatness than nibble on mediocrity"