A plaque remaining from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem.

Above, a 1934 plaque from the Big Apple Night Club at West 135th Street and Seventh Avenue in Harlem. Discarded as trash in 2006. Now a Popeye's fast food restaurant on Google Maps.

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Entry from March 19, 2020
600+ Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, etc., Pt. 1

The 2019–20 coronavirus (COVID-19) outbreak was eventually declared to be a worldwide pandemic. Here are some associated quotes, jokes, riddles, puns, pickup lines, memes, portmanteaus, acronyms, anagrams and terms. See also Part 2 and Part 3. Please share your results with others because this website is censored by Google.


“87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed”
“1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Liquor stores are an essential business”
“1920: Alcohol is prohibited 2020: Marijuana stores are an essential business“
“2019: live, laugh, love. 2020: lather, rinse, repeat”
“2020 has shown me you don’t need fun to have alcohol”
“2020: The year your wheelie bin goes out more than you”
“A guy walks into a bar...lucky bastard” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A man doesn’t walk into a bar…” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A man doesn’t walk into a pub…” (pub joke, told during COVID-19 pub closures)
“A man in Saudi Arabia has been caught stealing hand sanitiser. He won’t need it now”
“A man takes his wife to get tested…” (joke)
“A man walks into a bar...lucky bastard” (bar joke, told during COVID-19 bar closures)
“A panda feeds for 12 hours. This is the same as an adult under quarantine, called a ‘pandemic’”
“After all the stupid things I’ve done in my life, if I die because I touched my face…”
“After watching how some people wear their masks, I understand why contraception fails”
“Alexa, homeschool my kids”
“Alexa, homeschool the children”
“All countries got Coronavirus eventually, but China got it right off the bat”
“All this anxiety better be burning calories”
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman don’t walk into a bar” (bar joke)
“An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. Those were the days” (bar joke)
“And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out”
“Anybody else’s car getting 3 weeks to the gallon?” (quarantine joke)
“Anyone else starting to get a tan from the light in your refrigerator?”
“Anyone else think Pokémon characters Koffing and Weezing look similar to the Coronavirus?”
“Are you an N95 mask? Cause i want you on my face” (pickup line)
“As summer approaches, do we dig out our shorts or cut the legs off our pajamas?”
“At the store there was a big X by the register for me to stand on…” (joke)
“At this point, if a clown invited me into the woods, I would just go”
“At what stage of home schooling do we send the school a letter asking for donations…”
“Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because I can be your Prince Charmin” (pickup line)
“Back in my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the bartender yelled ‘last call‘“
“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people used to string it up in the trees”
“Back in my day…there was so much toilet paper, people were stringing it up in the trees”
“BC is now ‘Before Coronavirus.’ AD is now “After Distancing‘“
“Because of the cancellation of all sports events ESPN will be covering live toilet paper wrestling”
“Being part of a major historical event sucks” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under” (social distancing)
“Better 6 feet away than 6 feet under” (social distancing)
“Better six feet apart than six feet under” (social distancing)
“Better six feet away than six feet under” (social distancing)
“Biggest waste of money: my 2020 planner” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Bro even sleeping gettin boring now”
“Bumping elbows is the new first base”
“Can we all agree to temporarily raise the bar for what’s considered an ‘alcoholic?‘“
“Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again? This version has a virus”
“Can we uninstall 2020 and reinstall it? I believe it has a virus”
“Can’t wait for the day I walk down the aisle and hear those magical words: ‘Captain speaking…‘“
“Can’t wait til they legalize outside”
“Can’t wait til tomorrow. I have another big day of hand washing & looking out the window planned”
“Can’t wait till they legalize outside”
“Can’t wait until they legalize outside”
“Children born 9 months from now should be referred to as ‘children of the quarn’”
“Churches and the casinos are closed. When heaven and hell both agree on something…it’s serious”
“Cinco De Mayo on Taco Tuesday and it’s ruined by a virus with the same name as a Mexican beer”
“Coffee filters can be used as toilet paper, but it does change the taste of the coffee”
“CONTAGIOUS in a sentence: it will take the CONTAGIOUS to finish painting her house with a brush”
“Corona is an anagram of racoon” (raccoon, as in Resident Evil’s Raccoon City)
“Corona virus explained in craft terms: You and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter”
“Coronavirus & allergy season: I don’t know if I should buy Zyrtec or turn myself in to the CDC”
“Coronavirus be canceling everything but my bills”
“Coronavirus is canceling everything but my bills”
“Coronavirus is like pasta. Made by Chinese. Spread by Italians. Supersized by Americans”
“Coronavirus is to be re-named the Schrodinger Virus” (joke)
“Coughing in public is the new speaking Arabic at airports”
“Coughs and sneezes spread diseases”
“Covid has been found circulating on Norwegian currency. It’s the Kroner virus”
“Covid19 Facts: The virus can travel 6’. It cannot travel 6’1” or more…” (joke)
“COVID-19 hit during allergy season. I can’t tell if I have 5 days to live or need to take Claritin”
“Covid-19 should be renamed COTTON EYE JOE (where did it come from, where did it go)”
“Covid 19 should be re-named the ‘Common Core Virus’ because shit just ain’t adding up”
“Crazy times we are living in. I used to cough to hide a fart. Now I fart to hide a cough”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because I want you to stay away from me”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you make me sick” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you spread fast and you’re nasty”
“Damn girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re all I’m thinking about” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you the Coronavirus? Because I’m sick of hearing about you”
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because I want to flatten your curves” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you take my breath away” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19? Because you’re killing me” (pickup line)
“Damn girl, are you COVID-19?"/"Let me guess. Did I take your breath away?”
“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat”
“Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little shits called in a bomb threat”
“Day 6 of quarantine. Preparing to take out the garbage. So excited can’t decide what to wear”
“Day 7 at home and the dog is looking at me like, ‘See? This is why I chew the furniture‘“
“Day 27: The garbage man stuck a pamphlet for AA on my recycling bin”
“Day 35 of quarantine; Can you blink a little more quietly please?”
“Days are now divided by coffee hours and alcohol hours”
“Days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today & nextday”
“Dear Bartender, don’t be offended if we ask ’Is there any liquor in this drink?’”
“Dear non essentials that recently started going back to work….hit the gas, we drive fast now”
“Dear Plexiglass; Thank you for protecting me from the masked cashier that just touched everything”
“Did a load of pajamas so I would have clean work clothes this week”
“Did you hear about the coin shortage? Apparently, America is literally out of common cents”
“Did you hear about the Pokémon that has Covid-19? It was Koffing”
“Do midgets have to stay only 3 feet apart?” (social distancing)
“Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors…”
“Do not make your mask from masking tape”
“Do you have Coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking ah-choo” (pickup line)
“Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper? Because people are losing their shit”
“Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet? Or are we still just washing our hands?”
“Does anyone know the number that parents are supposed to call if we need a substitute teacher?”
“Don’t get Covid-19. They are releasing Covid-20 in September and it’s much better”
“Don’t know how I feel about bars opening back up. Drinks gonna be weak compared to mine”
“Don’t open a ‘Ding, Dong’ email! It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home”
“Don’t open a ‘Knock, Knock’ email! It’s a Jehovah’s Witness working from home”
“Drinking at home instead of the bar isn’t working out. I almost asked my wife for her number!”
“Driving alone in your car with a mask on? Do you put a condom on if you’re alone in bed?”
“Due to corona virus, I will not shake hands or hug. You may kneel or bow to me”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking looters to work from home and steal their own property”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking protesters to work from home and destroy their own property”
“Due to COVID-19, we are asking rioters to work from home and destroy their own property”
“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second checkout lane”
“Due to panic purchasing, Walmart has opened a second register”
“Due to the quarantine… I’ll only be telling inside jokes”
“Due to the recent outbreak of Corona virus, kissing ass has been temporarily suspended”
“Due to the shortage of cleaning supplies, dirty deeds will no longer be done dirt cheap”
“During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies…”
“Even BINGO got canceled! This has never happened B4”
“Even BINGO got cancelled. This has never happened B4”
“Everything for summer is canceled. May as well just put up the Christmas tree and call it a year”
“Everything is cancelled. You know what’s not cancelled? Laundry. Laundry is never cancelled”
“Everything is closing so I’m opening a strip club/breakfast diner/daycare: Tits, Grits & Babysits”
“Fake news media is the virus”
“Fencing: The perfect Covid-19 sport. 1. masks 2. gloves 3. closer than 6ft, you stab them”
“For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family?”
“Forced to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? You may be entitled to condensation”
“FYI: wearing a mask with your nose sticking out is like wearing a condom with the tip cut off”
“Gardening season is off to a great start: I planted myself in front of a TV…”
“Gas is finally affordable and we can’t go anywhere”
“Gas is finally affordable and we have no where to go”
“Gas is finally affordable and we have nowhere to go”
“Giving up collecting Icelandic, Danish, Norwegian and Swedish coins so I don’t get Kronervirus”
“Glad I didn’t waste my money buying a planner for 2020” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“Gonna ask my momma if that offer to slap me into next year is still on the table”
“Good morning, inmates” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic quarantine)
“Got a cold and it’s making me purchase new vehicles each day. Must be the ‘car owner’ virus”
“Gotta say the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year”
“Grocery shopping has become a real life version of PAC-Man. Avoid everyone, get the fruit”
“Had too much wine last night. Have no idea how I got home from the sofa”
“Has anyone else noticed the word ‘pandemic’ is just ‘dem’ surrounded by ‘panic?‘“
“Have you been traumatized by the toilet paper shortage? You may be entitled to constipation”
“Have you heard about the new Canadian strain of Covid-19? Most people infected are eh symptomatic”
“Have you heard the joke about getting rid of COVID? It’s a riot!”
“Have you noticed that since all the beauty salons have closed nobody’s taking selfies?”
“Heroes work here” (slogan)
“Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?” (socially distancing pickup line)
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because if I took you home, it might kill my parents”
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because you’re breathtaking” (pickup line)
“Hey girl, are you Coronavirus? Because your smile is infectious” (pickup line)
“Hey girl, do you have coronavirus? Because I can’t stop looking atchoo” (pickup line)
“Hoarders suffer from ‘stock home’ syndrome”
“Home invasions should decline. Everyone is at home with guns…”
“Home schooled kids still have school” (snow/virus school closure joke)
“Home schooling question: Does having your children fix your mixed cocktails count as chemistry?”
“Homeschool Day One: Wondering how to get this kid transferred out of my class”
“Hope they allow us off lockdown by July 4th, so we can celebrate our freedom”
“Hope this virus gets resolved before tick season starts, or we’ll be dealing with Corona with Lyme”
“How come liquor stores don’t have empty shelves? People are about to be quarantined with spouses”
“How December 2020 is going to look like: ‘Merry Crisis and a Happy New Fear‘“
“How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?"/"They twerk from home.”
“How do Indian restaurants stay open without their naan essential staff?”
“How to stop eating during quarantine: Put on your swimsuit instead of your pajamas”
“Husband and I went grocery shopping with masks, got home, took off masks…wrong husband!”
“I am tired of being a part of a major historical event” (2019–20 coronavirus pandemic)
“I asked a Walmart worker where I could find the nuts. He said they’re in the toilet paper aisle”
“I can’t believe it’s riot season already. I still have my COVID decorations up”
“I don’t like to brag, but I’ve been avoiding people since way before the coronavirus”
“I don’t think the Renaissance Festival should be closed, because having a real life plague there...”
“I finished Netflix today”
“I got so pissed last night, I don’t remember getting home from the kitchen” (quarantine)
“I had to throw out all of my Danish currency. I didn’t wanna catch the Kronervirus”
“I hate anti-maskers. They make me sick”
“I have a condition that prevents me from staying home or wearing a mask. It’s called freedom”
“I have a condition that prevents me from wearing a mask. It’s called freedom”
“I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards the automatic doors…”
“I hear the monastery is laying off workers. All nun essential staff are gone”
“I heard alcohol and sunlight can kill Corona, so if you see me naked and drunk in the yard…”
“I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda”
“I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister”
“I like my women how I like my Coronavirus…” (NSFW joke)
“I like my women how I like my Covid…” (NSFW joke)
“I may be quarantined, but my boobs have never been freer”
“I might sleep in the spare bedroom tonight and pretend I’m in a hotel” (quarantine joke)
“I need to practice social distancing from the refrigerator”
“I need to social distance myself from my refrigerator so I can flatten my curve”
“I never thought I would see the day when weed was easier to get than toilet paper”
“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole’ would become a national policy”
“I never thought ‘I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 10-foot pole’ would become a national policy”
“I never thought in my entire life that my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”
“I ran out of toilet paper, so have begun using old newspapers… The Times are rough”
“I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus. They’re really good carriers”
“I saw you from across the bar. Stay there” (social distancing pickup line)
“I tested positive for sickofthisshit-20. There is no cure, and I may or may not be contagious”
“I think it’s great that people are finally going to drink water, wipe their ass, and wash hands”
“I think we need to stop calling it ‘working from home’ and start calling it ‘living at work‘“
“I thought I had Covid-19 because I couldn’t breathe. Then I unbuttoned my pants and it was OK”
“I told my suitcases there will be no vacation this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage”
“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are of naked fat people laying on a couch”
“I totally understand why Italian Renaissance paintings are people lying around with their tits out”
“I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing. This is as close as I could get”
“I wanted to do panic buying, I checked my account… I can only panic”
“I wanted to do some panic buying today, but after checking my bank account all I can do is panic”
“I washed my hands so much due to COVID-19 that my exam notes from 1995 resurfaced”
“I wear a mask while jogging. It’s a running gag”
“I will not wear someone else’s fear” (anti-facemask saying)
“I wiped my TV screen with anti-virus wipes. I lost CBS News, ABC News, NBC News, MSNBC, and CNN”
“I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds”
“I’ll take a Corona, hold the virus” (bar request)
“I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it”
“I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing”
“I’m excited that the phrase ‘get the fuck away from me’ is no longer rude but a PSA”
“I’m getting way too comfortable looking this ugly all the time”
“I’m having a quarantine party this weekend! None of you are invited”
“I’m just a girl, standing 6 feet away from a boy. Asking him to maybe move back another foot”
“I’m no scientist, but has anyone tried killing the rona with the bowling alley shoe spray yet?”
“I’m not adding this year 2020 to my age. I didn’t use it”
“I’m not adding this year to my age. I didn’t use it”
“I’m so happy I don’t drive. Especially with all this car owner virus going around”
“I’m starting to miss people I don’t even like” (2019-20 coronavirus lockdown)
“I’m wondering… What should I wear to the couch tonight?” (quarantine joke)
“I’ve noticed a lot of you are not posting selfies anymore since the beauty salons have closed”
“If 2020 was a drink, it would be bong water”
“If 2020 was a drink, what would it be?"/"Colonoscopy prep.”
“If a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you?”
“If coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If COVID-19 had originated in Sweden, would we be calling it the kronavirus?”
“If government can suspend your rights anytime it deems something a crisis, you don’t have rights”
“If graduation can’t be done at a gym or a football field, perhaps grads could walk thru Walmart”
“If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only, would they have to change their name to Knockers?”
“If someone is videotaping a person in a mask, is that a masking tape?”
“If the coronavirus doesn’t take you out, can I?”
“If they had just called it ‘the stay at home challenge’ and posted it on social media…”
“If we all stay inside a bit longer, then maybe we can starve mosquitos to extinction”
“If we can just get through this month, we only have one more month to go before we need to…”
“If we continue wearing masks, the next generation will think a mouth is a private part”
“If we’re going to have one way grocery aisles, I’m going to need a passing lane”
“If you can smell their fart, you’re not far enough apart” (social distancing)
“If you can’t drink for three, plus leave your place for the professionals” (bar sign)
“If you catch the coronavirus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”
“If you get corona virus twice, is it called Dos Equis?”
“If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands”
“If you have a threesome, you have the recommended six feet between you”
“If you keep a beer in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a drink in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face”
“If you mix Tabasco in hand sanitizer, it will not only kill germs…”
“If you see me talking to myself, mind your business. I’m having a parent teacher conference”
“If you see my kids crying outside and picking weeds, just keep on driving. They’re on a field trip”
“If you see my kids locked outside today, mind your business. We are having a fire drill”
“If you use a stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing…”
“If you wear jeans 5 days in a row, they become all baggy and it looks like you’re losing weight”
“If you’re down by the schoolyard, stay away from Rosie. She’s the Queen of Corona”
“If you’re homeschooled, all your work is homework”
“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your chance!” (face mask requirement)
“If you’re ugly but have pretty eyes, this is your time to shine!” (face mask requirement)
“If you’re ugly with pretty eyes, this is your moment!” (face mask requirement)
“In 20 years, this country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers”
“In my day, the only time we started panic buying was when the barman shouted ‘last call‘“
“In Pagan cultures, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”
“In Pagan times, during a plague, the ruler could be sacrificed to the gods”
“In Scandinavia, they call it the Kronavirus”
“Insisting on rights without acknowledging responsibilities isn’t freedom, it’s adolescence”
“Is everyone enjoying their free 30 day trial of communism?”
“Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?”
“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that logic only apply to global warming?”
“Is there a tax I can pay to stop Covid-19, or does that only work for climate change?”
“It could be worse, you could be quarantined with me”
“It happened! I finally got laid…… Off”
“It started with a bat, went quickly to toilet paper… We’ve all gone bat, shit, crazy”
“It takes a village to raise a child…and a distillery to home school one”
“It takes a village to raise a child…and a vineyard to home school one”
“It’s like I’m 16 again. $5 is gas money & we all grounded” (quarantine joke)
“It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante region of France” (joke)
“Just seen a burglar kicking is own door in. He was working from home”
“Just to be clear none of this matters if there is a virus” (said at Constitutional Convention)
“Just to be clear, we have all agreed that liquor stores are ‘essential’ and schools are not”
“Just tried to buy toilet paper, but the grocery store’s supply was wiped out”
“Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the front door opens”
“Leaving the house in 2020: keys, phone, card, vape, face mask, hand sanitiser…”
“Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over”
“Let’s not tell some people when the quarantine is over”
“Liberal media is the virus”
“Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes”
“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking crap from some asshole”
“Life is like toilet paper. You’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole”
“Mainstream media is the virus”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep a safe distance from doubt. And isolate from unbelief”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Keep distance from doubt, and isolate from fear”
“Make sure you test positive for faith. Stay 6ft away from doubt, and isolate from unbelief”
“Many parents are about to discover that the teacher was not the problem” (homeschool)
“Marijuana is legal. Haircuts are not. It took fifty years, but the hippies have finally won”
“Married men told their wives, ‘I’ll do that when I have the time‘“ (quarantine joke)
“Mask it or casket” (face mask slogan)
“Masks are the new bra…”
“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s quarantine”
“Maybe she’s losing it. Maybe it’s quarantine”
“Maybe they should call it the Squirrel Flu because everyone is nuts and hoarding everything”
“Me: This show is boring. Boss: Again, this is a Zoom conference.”
“Media is the real virus”
“Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute”
“Motorcyclists wearing face masks but no helmet is the ultimate irony”
“MSM is the virus”
“My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet”
“My car is getting 3 weeks to a gallon” (quarantine joke)
“My COVID-19 is the most weight I’ve gained since my Freshman 15”
“My mailbox is under quarantine. Not accepting bills at this time”
“My mask protects you. Your mask protects me”
“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day…” (joke)
“My rights don’t end where your fear begins”
“My thoughts and prayers go out to anyone trying on summer clothes”
“Nail Salons-Closed. Hair Salons-Closed. Lash Salons-Closed. It’s about to get real ugly out here”
“Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth”
“No one in Antarctica has COVID-19. It’s because they are ice-o-lated”
“No Shirt, No Shoes, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)
“No Shoes, No Shirt, No Mask, No Service” (business sign)
“Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season” (joke)
“Not to brag, but we haven’t been late for anything in over two weeks”
“Now I know why dogs get so excited to go for walks”
“Now is not the right time to surround yourself with positive people” (virus joke)
“Now is probably the perfect time to become a ventriloquist”
“Now Showing: No Close Encounters of Any Kind” (quarantine movie joke)
“Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personalities”
“Now that the gyms are closed, this summer is going to be about personality”
“Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly. Next week: turn signals”

Posted by Barry Popik
New York CityGovernment/Law/Politics/Military • Thursday, March 19, 2020 • Permalink